I’m not sure of the law with kicking your wife out of her residence in California.
If you have any legal questions then always discuss with a lawyer, but typically you can't legally kick your spouse out. You can ask her to leave, but if she chooses not to then you can't force her out unless you file for S or D.
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I am very opposed to divorce. I came from divorced parents and it has had lifelong negative effects on me.
I felt the same way, but it doesn't matter because in the US it only takes one party to push a D through.
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I think that she needs to move out to see what a single life is like.
She'll probably love it at first. Initially they really enjoy their newfound independence. A lot of LBS's think that if they can get the WAS to leave then they'll come crawling back a few weeks later with their tail between their legs. That's not usually what happens though. So don't force it as a technique to try to "wake her up".
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She says she has never felt independent in her life. We got together when she was 18. She never had an adult single life and I think part of her wants to see what that is like.
I've seen a lot of people come here over the years with similar stories to that. They married young and suddenly one of them feels like they "missed out" because of it and wants out of the M.
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I actually have no idea what is really going on in her head. We have a beautiful home and a wonderful child. She says she wants her independence and her freedom. She says she feels like I have controlled our entire lives. I don’t see it that way.
The way you see it does not matter to her. Her perception is her reality, and if you disagree with it then you are simply making things worse. Read up on validation, you need to learn to validate and you need to practice it often with her. That is going to be a huge 180 for you. You also need to stop doing ANYTHING manipulative. Give her time and space, let her do what she's going to do.
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She is upset that after 17 years of marriage that she has to leave with nothing and I have the nice house and a secure life financially and she has to start over with nothing. I think she gets what she deserves for her behavior.
I believe CA is a "no fault divorce" state which means the affair will likely not factor into the proceedings. So she will not start over again with nothing, the marital assets will be more or less equally divided. I'm guessing the house is in your parents' names based on what you said about them buying it? So I wouldn't think that would be considered a marital asset. But these are all things you would need to confirm with a local lawyer. It is highly advisable that even if you are still wanting to work on the M that you go ahead and have a consultation with a lawyer so you know what your rights are, and also to confirm that the house is protected from division. Don't tell your W, just consult with an L and be prepared.
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I am trying to detach but it is much harder than I ever thought it would be.
It takes a lot of time and is almost impossible while living under the same roof.
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I was emotionally absent from much of our relationship and that’s what got us here. So I’m torn as to what I should be doing.
Don't be cold and indifferent. You mentioned Sandi's rules, those are a great template on how to behave as they are all about "lovingly" detaching.
