Mike, how much of PM have you read? I'm only asking because I want to know where you are with it. I totally hear your frustration, and I agree with you that a 1/wk formula is NOT a ticket to hot passion and intimacy - I think it would lead to too much formula/technique-based sex, form over function, and not much intimacy. I'm going to suggest you step back from the whole issue for the time being, and really examine yourself and what your desires truly are. You can't require her to be involved and enthusiastic, you can only suggest that you're not into "duty sex", and would prefer to skip it entirely if she's not involved and enthusiastic. However, that still leaves you being "not in control", because she might just say "Okay, I can't be involved and enthusiastic, so I guess that means no sex." That's NOT where you want to go. However, the ball (so to speak) is then in YOUR court to be up-front with her as to your expectations regarding intimacy, emotional connection and sex in your marriage. Your message would be that you don't see yourself remaining in a sexless marriage - it's unfair for her to expect you to live like a monk. So... the two of you have a problem to work out. You won't beg for "duty sex", in fact you'll decline it on those terms, but you expect to have sex with your wife, and you can't promise how long you're willing to wait for her to "step up to the plate". Now the ball is in HER court, she has a choice to make. She may very well decide to choose no sex over loyalty to the marriage, and that is what makes it so scary. If she's going to be really CLEAR on her choice, she'll have to confront herself on exactly WHY she's making that choice. Does this make sense?
