My husband had a 2 year EA/PA with a very good friend of mine. Our families did things together and our kids know each other well.
I know you are deeply hurt and betrayed, oh I have been there, but do not tell your kids. Do you want them to go through the exquisite pain you are going through? To carry that on their heart? My kids know nothing. I did make it clear to my husband that family outings and friendships would no longer be appropriate and that they would end. My kids really didn't notice and thought we all just got busy. Having your kids know will not ease your pain.
As far as the boss, I am not sure how that would make the situation better if he knows. Make an agreement between the two of you.
I am so sorry. Keep posting and read the threads above.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
I guess I should have been more clear about handling our son. I will never tell him what his mother did. I was wondering how we handle him while she is living here. She is in the guest room. He hasn’t noticed yet but it is only a matter of time. I think we should talk to him sooner about mom moving out. I don’t want her to say this is a mutual thing because I still want to try to save my family. She gets mad at me for saying that. She says we will always be a family things will just be different. She thinks I’m trying to guilt her into staying and I think she is just trying to avoid any guilty feelings from her actions. His mom wants to leave and I think he should know that. I don’t want to lie to him. Is this selfish of me. I’m not sure to handle this. I really don’t want to have to have this talk with him at all but that is not realistic. He is a sensitive kid and I think this is going to crush him. My W thinks he is resilient and he will be fine. I think she is delusional. Hopefully someone with experience with this will have some sage advise.
She will still be living at home for at least 3 more months.
Why? You say it's not her house. If getting kicked out is inconvenient, she should have thought about that before cheating--natural consequences. She can find her new home (AP, friends, hotel, car, shelter).
I don’t want to kick out the mother of my child where she has no place to live. I am also not sure about the law. I don’t want the house to become hostile environment with my son here. If I kicked her out she would try to take our son with her and things would get ugly and I don’t want that for him.
I don’t want to kick out the mother of my child where she has no place to live. I am also not sure about the law. I don’t want the house to become hostile environment with my son here. If I kicked her out she would try to take our son with her and things would get ugly and I don’t want that for him.
I totally understand that and it could feel like being between a rock and a hard place. I would setup temporary custody orders immediately. Start protecting yourself. Your home and your kids. You can't make her leave legally if she is on the deed. But you can ask her to.
I’m not sure of the law with kicking your wife out of her residence in California.
If you have any legal questions then always discuss with a lawyer, but typically you can't legally kick your spouse out. You can ask her to leave, but if she chooses not to then you can't force her out unless you file for S or D.
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I am very opposed to divorce. I came from divorced parents and it has had lifelong negative effects on me.
I felt the same way, but it doesn't matter because in the US it only takes one party to push a D through.
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I think that she needs to move out to see what a single life is like.
She'll probably love it at first. Initially they really enjoy their newfound independence. A lot of LBS's think that if they can get the WAS to leave then they'll come crawling back a few weeks later with their tail between their legs. That's not usually what happens though. So don't force it as a technique to try to "wake her up".
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She says she has never felt independent in her life. We got together when she was 18. She never had an adult single life and I think part of her wants to see what that is like.
I've seen a lot of people come here over the years with similar stories to that. They married young and suddenly one of them feels like they "missed out" because of it and wants out of the M.
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I actually have no idea what is really going on in her head. We have a beautiful home and a wonderful child. She says she wants her independence and her freedom. She says she feels like I have controlled our entire lives. I don’t see it that way.
The way you see it does not matter to her. Her perception is her reality, and if you disagree with it then you are simply making things worse. Read up on validation, you need to learn to validate and you need to practice it often with her. That is going to be a huge 180 for you. You also need to stop doing ANYTHING manipulative. Give her time and space, let her do what she's going to do.
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She is upset that after 17 years of marriage that she has to leave with nothing and I have the nice house and a secure life financially and she has to start over with nothing. I think she gets what she deserves for her behavior.
I believe CA is a "no fault divorce" state which means the affair will likely not factor into the proceedings. So she will not start over again with nothing, the marital assets will be more or less equally divided. I'm guessing the house is in your parents' names based on what you said about them buying it? So I wouldn't think that would be considered a marital asset. But these are all things you would need to confirm with a local lawyer. It is highly advisable that even if you are still wanting to work on the M that you go ahead and have a consultation with a lawyer so you know what your rights are, and also to confirm that the house is protected from division. Don't tell your W, just consult with an L and be prepared.
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I am trying to detach but it is much harder than I ever thought it would be.
It takes a lot of time and is almost impossible while living under the same roof.
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I was emotionally absent from much of our relationship and that’s what got us here. So I’m torn as to what I should be doing.
Don't be cold and indifferent. You mentioned Sandi's rules, those are a great template on how to behave as they are all about "lovingly" detaching.
My Lawyer told me, here in SC, that once the separation papers are signed, or put in the system, then the no fault and dating is of no concern to the courts.. But, if you have an affair before separation is put into play, you could be run to the cleaners..
My Lawyer told me, here in SC, that once the separation papers are signed, or put in the system, then the no fault and dating is of no concern to the courts.. But, if you have an affair before separation is put into play, you could be run to the cleaners..
Thanks for the insightful reply AnotherStander. I worked on some validating tonight and the conversation actually felt like progress. Not much but it was different. I know I have a long way to go until things get better. I just need to work on detaching and 180s. I also need to get a life. I’m currently looking for a new Job so I don’t have to work at the same place as my wife and the OM. It is hard to keep my head on straight seeing them work together everyday. They basically share one large cubicle and work alone in their building for the first 2 hours of the day. Needless to say it is very hard to work there. I think getting out of there will help me a lot.
Tonight she said what is keeping her from wanting to work on the marriage is she doesn’t believe I can stop my controlling behavior. She says she has always felt she had to get my permission to do anything. I told her that I understand why she felt that way and it was not a healthy relationship that we had and I had been controlling in our marriage. She has been softening her interactions with me over the last 2 months and she isn’t trying to start fights all the time. I’m not sure what that means if anything. I have been trying to reconnect with her since I have basically been absent for the last couple years emotionally. Drinking too much watching too much tv being lazy. I don’t want her to leave the house with that image of me in her mind. I’m trying to be the best me for these last few months before she leaves. But I still think she must leave or she will eventually do this again if she doesn’t and we reconcile before that. But I am trying not to have expectations that she will ever return. I have hope but I’m trying to accept divorce as a probability.
