Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 7

[DaB35]

Had a chat with my mum Sunday evening about the situation. She is upset that W has basically cut her, my dad and my sister out of her life. My sister really worked hard at trying to speak to her and offering to help etc. W has just ignored them.

W's mum and my mum had a phone conversation before Xmas. W's mum said "She never tells me anything. She keeps everything to her chest and only talks to her sister about things." She was apparently sorry to my mum that W hadn't spoken to her.

My parents have done lots for W; given her money, bought her tools and things for her business, and really helped us both out at the house. They contributed £10k towards our house deposit too. W's parents have not helped at all with the house. I've mentioned in a much earlier post that W's parents are totally inconsistent with how they show affection to each of their 3 children. My parents are totally fair and equal between myself and my sister; there isn't any question.

Example - W's parents could have easily contributed towards our deposit (they are quite rich), meaning we'd have been paying lower mortgage payments. They didn't. W was always trying to justify this: "Well, they did pay for our wedding, and my dad bought this machine for my business." Yet they gave W's brother £15k towards his house deposit without question, and yet gave nothing to W's sister when she was building her own house.
I just find it a strange dynamic; W seems convinced that her family is very close, yet they really are not. W’s brother never contacts anyone; she has to. She complains that “If I never contacted [brother] we’d never see him.” Sister lives 300 miles away. Parents live 200 miles away.

My mum and I were talking about control. All of W's past boyfriends were rather aggressive, bullish, and they argued a lot. She meets me, and I'm passive, less confrontational. She grew up in quite a loud family environment, and as the youngest of 3, she was always seemingly fighting to be heard. She’s therefore not afraid to speak her mind and wear her heart on her sleeve. The problem was I was too far the other way, and others would comment, “Well you [W] clearly wear the trousers in that relationship.” This annoyed W.

I admit I was way too passive in the R and M. I never argued, in any R I’ve been in. I wanted to, but was afraid of confronting W. She has a lot of issues and self-esteem problems etc., and is always quick to argue her point. I was afraid of upsetting her by telling her she’d upset me, or by telling her I had problems too when hers’ weren’t resolved.


Her sister has also had virtually no control in her early adult life. She met her H at 17, married at 23, and by 30 she had 3 kids. She has followed him around the country with his job, moving further and further north. Their moving around is entirely due to her H changing jobs. She’s been a mum for 7-8 years, not really worked. She felt that she hasn’t achieved much. She ran a very successful confectionery business for a few years – won awards and everything – but gave it up because she was ‘bored’. She badgered her parents to contribute to help her buy a musical instrument that she used to play, and she got it, but never plays it. She doesn’t do anything with it, or tries to make any money from the talent she clearly has. Only her eldest daughter learns it now.

W’s sister’s H is the son of a very rich father. She wants a ‘London’ lifestyle. She wants to be able to swan about in coffee shops, buying fancy designer clothes and looking glamorous etc. etc. There’s a show in the UK called Made In Chelsea – people in the UK will know about it. She wants that lifestyle and presumably feels frustrated that she can’t have that.

As a result, I think this is why W’s sister is constantly telling her what to do. What to wear, eat, where to live, what to buy for her house, etc. This may be guilt on her sister’s part – she was horrible to W when they were younger. W’s sister would fight her and be a bit violent with her, and introduce her to her friends as “her other brother” as W was a tomboy and had shortish hair. Surely that’s contributed to W’s self-esteem issues. She and her sister almost laugh it off now, which just doesn’t seem healthy to me. W’s sister has also said horrible things about W’s brother’s wife too – front of me, W and W’s mum – and nobody in W’s family seems to pick her up on this. Her sister is a very aggressive person; I believe she has an anger problem.

W's parents also married at 18. We married when she was 29. It was a huge issue for her to marry before she turned 30. It was a really important thing for her; she'd bring it up frequently. Perhaps she felt some pressure as a result from her parents/sister marrying at much younger ages than her.

I do feel sad for W. At the same time though, I’m frustrated that she switched off her love for me very quickly. A matter of weeks. After 8 years, she chucked it all away and had no desire to put the work in. Yes I was in the wrong, but she is not perfect either.


My view on this whole thing is that I could have wallowed and been depressed and made myself ill and not got better. I did the total opposite of that. That was my main 180. Sought help with IC, and picked myself up. It’s worked. The fact that so many people are commenting on how happy I look is helping. I'm sad that whenever I felt stressed/upset during the M or R, I never had the courage to tell W about it all.

I want to be in that situation where she turns back, looks at me and sees a very confident, self-sufficient man who has sorted himself out extensively and doing good things with his life.

Long post over. Thanks for getting to the end!