OG...FS has given you some great advice and insight...as she did in my sitch. Your expressed emotions resonated with me as well. I know exactly where you are at right now. I was there a year ago. Terrified, sad, confused, incredulous, feeling hopeless and helpless, worried about my kids, worried about the future, longing for the comfort and stability of my old life (only an illusion, I now know)... you name it, I felt it. Even just writing about it starts to create some anxiety in the pit of my stomach and I am over it and over him.
I never, ever want to go through something that painful ever again and I have immense empathy for the newcomers on here who are just starting out on their journey. And that is really what it is...a journey. Not one you wanted to take but one you are on regardless and it is a journey that you DO get to control. You may not have any influence or control over what he does but you have all of the control over what you do.
Re: your son. I worried incessantly about my kids and what this was doing or could do to them. Honestly....what I learned pretty quickly is A) kids are very adaptable and can still thrive if you work hard to be good co-parents and B) they get their cues from you. If I could do it all over again, I would work harder in the beginning to keep my sadness from my kids. Their sadness faded In concert with mine. For months my son was hypervigalent around me. If I sniffled for any reason, he was worried I was sad or crying. It took some time but eventually he came to trust that I was okay and because he knew I would be okay, he knew that he would be okay as well. Show your son you are okay as much as you possibly can. It is the best gift you can give him...and yourself.
OG...I consider myself to be one of those success stories. No I was not able to save my marriage. I did not get him back... but I did get me back. And if someone came to me today and offered me a time machine so I could go back and try to do some things differently, I wouldn’t do it. Because my XH would still be the kind of guy who will allow resentments to build and ultimately cheat on his partner. I deserve to be with someone better than that. I deserve to be with someone who loves me enough to weather life’s storms and to forgive me for my imperfections. I need someone who is as loyal and committed as I am. I know there is someone like that out there and I’m not going to settle for anything less. You shouldn’t either. (((HUGS)))
