I really want to avoid a divorce. We aren’t living in my parents house per se. it is a house my parents bought for us and it is in a family trust and it will be ours after they pass. I’m not sure of the law with kicking your wife out of her residence in California. I am very opposed to divorce. I came from divorced parents and it has had lifelong negative effects on me. I know that it is not just her fault this is happening. I played my part. I was neglectful of our relationship and didn’t make her feel loved. We had a business together and out most of the responsibility on her shoulders. She has a lot of built up resentment that I have owned up to. All this does not excuse her infidelity though. I think that she needs to move out to see what a single life is like. She says she has never felt independent in her life. We got together when she was 18. She never had an adult single life and I think part of her wants to see what that is like. I actually have no idea what is really going on in her head. We have a beautiful home and a wonderful child. She says she wants her independence and her freedom. She says she feels like I have controlled our entire lives. I don’t see it that way. I feel like I have always tried to get us to a consensus on all of our life decisions where she thinks they have all been my decisions. She is upset that after 17 years of marriage that she has to leave with nothing and I have the nice house and a secure life financially and she has to start over with nothing. I think she gets what she deserves for her behavior.
I am trying to detach but it is much harder than I ever thought it would be. I always thought if she cheated on me I would be done and over with it, but I still love her and don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose my family. I’m trying to let her go and follow Sanid2’s rules. She has been kind to me during most of this. She says she wants to be friends but I don’t want her left overs. I don’t want to keep making things worse. We just got back from a Hawaiian vacation with my family and I fear it will be the last I take with my family which makes me sad. I know I should be showing her tough love but I’m not sure what that looks like. I know I should take myself away from her but I struggle with how to do that and not come off as cruel or cold. I was emotionally absent from much of our relationship and that’s what got us here. So I’m torn as to what I should be doing. I don’t want her to say see this why I want to leave you. I told her I was going to make changes and be a better husband and she said she would be watching. But I think she is closed off to seeing anything I’m doing while the OM is in her heart. Anyway that is a lot of rambling. I’ll just leave it there.
How should I be proceeding and how do I begin to detach.
