It’s been a rough weekend already and it’s only Saturday. Both girls his and mine let me know that they know about his affair and her name. He’s been very not careful around them. There’s a lot of hurt, anger and disappointment. I did my best to validate their feelings and talk them through the enjoying the good days like earlier in the week and trying not to focus on the bad days. There was an incident well two involving him disappearing instead of what he says he do for/with them that set all this in motion. I did not bring it up. Part of this conversation was one daughter saw/heard a text read on his phone sync in his car that indicated OW has booted the boyfriend for my H. H left this afternoon and told me he won’t be coming home tonight. This will be the first time for that. I had feelings that the EA became a PA.
Honestly I’m ok. I didn’t think I would be. I thought I’d feel like crap all over again. But It was just confirmed from what I pretty much already knew. And I didn’t die. I really didn’t. I’m most struggling with the girls. I think maybe family therapy but I didn’t know if I want H there. I fear he’s going to turn it into me turning the girls against him especially his daughter. Or IC for both girls maybe. I don’t know. I’m just worried. They aren’t exactly little. This has to be affecting them even more than they are letting me see. I’m angry at how much they are hurting over this. I’m pissed I have to smooth this over and try to keep them from jumping immediately to “I hate him.” And honestly constantly taking the high road is really exhausting. I just keep telling myself I chose to be the lighthouse. I chose to anchor this family. I’m doing it because I have to. Because I still love that man as much as I hate to admit it. Because I want this family intact. But more than intact. We can’t have a house of 4 teenagers. Somebody needs to be the grown up. But it would be nice if it didn’t have to be me 24/7.
