Good morning. It gives me comfort to read about those of you who have been bundled up and experiencing snow. I miss snow, but it is cold here today.
I talked with a friend and got a little glimpse into recent H: he told them he's cutting back on drinking and didn't drink when they went out (which explains why he's been home a lot more post-holidays and also, I think, why he's been less distant and cold with me—he's probably feeling better about himself). I sensed his euphoria post-BD was starting to fracture about 5 months in, when he was still in teen mode (I can do what I want!) but seemed more angry/frustrated in the middle of this freedom rather than euphoric. 7 months in, maybe he is going to start taking better care of himself. Maybe eventually this will lead to introspection, to progress with his IC.
Is he entering a new phase of replay? A pause? A temporary break in what might be depression? I think the answer is that it's useless to try to pinpoint, and that I will know only in retrospect. But it seems natural nonetheless to try to mark off time in some way, to try to understand how he is feeling at this point in his journey, even if I have no way of knowing when or how it will end.
He also said he barely sees me because I'm gone all the time. I don't think I've been gone that much, but I hope this is a sign I am doing something right, that I have made progress in detaching, if he senses I have my own life, am not waiting around to talk to him, etc.
They asked where he was on filing, and he said he's been too busy at work to do it. They didn't really buy this. Now that I know from my lawyer consult neither of us has to fill out financial/asset disclosure forms until after the initial filing/response (and that we're pretty much on our own timeline as far as doing so) I do wonder what's stopping him. He knows all he has to do is check a few boxes. (It could be anything and nothing.)
Today I am trying to sort all of my feelings—expectations from hopes. I was sad a lot this week. I felt pressure (from everywhere and nowhere) to give up hope for a possible future R. I hear DnJ saying, don't let anyone take away your hope! Early on I took the advice in DR and from my coach to keep track of any positives, even small ones, and to keep doing what works. So I realize I have trained myself to observe every little thing. That is a habit. Over time I have realized his reactions will go up and down, but this does not mean I need to change my course or way of interacting with him. I am now coaching myself to detach from these observations as much as I can, and to have no expectations. But sometimes all I can do in the moment is recognize that I have not completely managed to separate my hopes from expectations quite yet. I know there is part of me that still hopes he won't file, still thinks even then, six more months is a good chunk of time, and anything could happen.
