I think a milestone has been reached; and the end of this round.
Good for you standing for what you believe in and want. The proposed extra payments were not going to be counted as ED and instead spousal support - and you said no and left. That’s awesome! Seriously, what are they going to do? The can’t bully you into anything.
And look what happened, minutes later on the court steps, H agreed to your terms. Yes, take this as a win. It’s finally in writing, H isn’t allowed back in the house.
I know you feel wore down by the prolonging and H’s escalating of the “business side” of this. Separation/divorce is messy and taxing. And I do think H is wearing down.
MLCers are irrational and driven by their emotions. They’re not well known for virtues of patience, and do not play the long game. They are after short term, immediate results and satisfactions. Like an addict, they need it. Your reasonable and rational approach, with included spreadsheet showing monies that could be gained/lost, doesn’t work with H. His desires are irrational, and do change.
They are many MLC spouses around here that are dragging out their divorces not due to finances or other negotiable assets. Their wants are emotional, the need to lash out, to have conflict. Look at H, he has caused more hemorrhaging of your joint finances, than he will win back. He is not being driven by money.
His last second agreement on the steps of the court house shows he is growing evermore less patience and wanting those results and dreams he thinks are just around the corner. He has always irrationally blamed you for the abject poverty he believes he lives in. Remember his fantasy is this being wealthy after he is free of you. Letting him run about, and do heavy lifting, while you patiently go about your business and life, is bearing fruit. You are outlasting him; an impressive display of internal fortitude, in my humble opinion.
Some advice I gave, it seems so long ago, was to know what you are willing to negotiate. Those hills you are willing to die for and the ones you can let go. Yes, H is still irrational and is unlikely to settle things outside of a courtroom - maybe. He may be more wore down than we figure. However, it doesn’t matter, you know what you want and are willing to fight for. $11,000 is well spent in my view. Your sanity is worth that and much more. Do not sell yourself short nor your deep held beliefs and desires. And those have nothing to do with thoughts of reconciliation - I’m speaking about you, your desires for you and your kids.
A trial may be the next step, and then a different judge. That could be a very good thing for you. That is something H and his L probably realize, as well as that they might just have to behave more reasonably. As I said, H seems to be fighting just to fight; eventually one’s knuckles get sore pounding against a boundary. A trial is different than mediation/negotiations. Courts are there to resolve issues not extend them; that isn’t going to play well for H. At any rate, keep your expectations low and follow your values.
Originally Posted by Gerda
I am starting to get really scared that I will end up having to go to trial just because H is too stupid to crunch the numbers. I did yet another spreadsheet that shows that he will make LESS if he sells the house at 20% above appraisal than accepting a buy out at appraised value because of the massive taxes.
Your fear of H being able to move back into the home has been alleviated.
Fear is funny stuff. The mind does feed off the irrational. Do not replace that fear with a new one.
Yes, H is not making his decisions using the numbers, other forces are driving him. Don’t underestimate him. Don’t assume he is too stupid or not aware of the potential losses. He very well could just be playing you; feeding that fear. Remember he does know you, and your buttons.
Originally Posted by DnJ
So DnJ, what is your comforting thought about that for today?
We all have 84 problems. Accept that. Choose your problems; do not have your problems choose you.
Once upon a time an affluent farmer approached Buddha with great hope. He prostrated before the sage and sought his blessings. Buddha raised his hand in benediction.
“O Venerable One!” the farmer said, “I have a major problem and I know only you can help me.”
Buddha kept quiet and the man went onto narrate that his good-for-nothing son was troubling him and that he was mad at his wife because she supported her son over him.
The man said, “Do something so their minds change and they realize how much I’m doing for them.”
“I can’t solve this problem for you,” Buddha replied and lowered his eyes again, in a meditative state.
The farmer told Buddha how he was worried about the upcoming harvest as the weather didn’t seem too favorable and the monkeys were destroying his crop.
“I can’t help you with this one either,” Buddha said calmly.
Still hoping in the powers of Buddha, he told him that many people owed him money and he was having hard time recovering it from his debtors. And that he too owed money to lenders and creditors. He asked Buddha if the sage could give him any remedy or amulet.
“Hmm…” Buddha said, “I can’t solve this problem for you.”
“What good are you then?” the man yelled. “Every one says you are the enlightened one and here you can’t solve any of my problems. Is there absolutely nothing you can do? I’m tired of my terrible life.”
“You see,” Buddha said patiently, as if he hadn’t heard the man’s tirade, “at any point in time, you’ll always have 84 problems in your life. The 84th is the key. If you solve the 84th problem, the first 83 will resolve themselves.”
“Please solve my 84th problem then,” the man said, going back to being humble. “How do I do it?” he added.
“First, we have to identify your 84th problem.”
“What is my 84th problem?”
Buddha smiled and peered deeply into the man’s eyes that were full of desire, doubt and anxiety.
“Your 84th problem is,” Buddha said and paused, “you want to get rid of the first 83 problems.”
We all have 84 problems. Realize the truth of the 84th problem. Much peace and contentment comes from this view. Much comfort.
Life is not problem free. It’s not supposed to be. We all will have problems, that is unavoidable.
Choose them well.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
