[ The divorce process is different here in my country. It follows the Islamic ruling where the husband holds a lot of say in terms of breaking of the marriage. Basically, wives cannot request for a divorce unless they have a valid reason (husband is abusive/not fulfilling his obligations, etc). However, there is a rule where wives can ask for a divorce by paying some sort of compensation to the husband (typically they have to return back the dowry).
When W asks "when are you going to let me go?" basically she wants me to give my permission for a divorce to the court.
I love my wife dearly and I hate to see her be miserable in this marriage. However, I still believe in saving this marriage and hence I am not willing to give the permission for a divorce... but when the time comes.. I will let her go.
Thanks for answering my question, Funbun. I guess the culture and expectations are so different between my situation and yours that my suggestions might not be useful to you. But I would consider granting someone their freedom an act of love. You can give permission, and she can do what she wants with that - right? It doesn't automatically mean you are divorced, it just means if she wants to seek one, you are not standing in her way? I hate to quote a cliche, but the phrase 'if you love something, set it free,' kind of makes sense here, doesn't it?
Personally, I don't believe there can be any true connection or intimacy without equality. That doesn't mean both partners in a marriage need to bring the same talents or skills or financial contributions: everyone is different and contributes differently. But if a law traps one partner in a marriage against their will, is that even truly a marriage? Saving your marriage probably doesn't mean trapping her in it until she sees sense, or feels the way you want her to feel, right?
What if you grant her the permission she wants, and let her do with that freedom whatever she wishes? If she returns, or delays a legal divorce, at least you know she's acting as an adult according to her preferences. What do you mean 'when the time comes' - do you mean 'when I decide the time is right?' - what about your wife and her decisions? Her judgement of the right time? Does that matter?
(of course you could easily argue she knew what the laws and customs around marriage were in your area before she got into it - she'd bound by an institution she entered into freely. There's some merit in that argument. But where does it get you? You're no more married, no more connected, no more enjoying the type of relationship you want and hope for.)
You also talk about going N/C for a couple of weeks then checking in with her. That's not N/C and it isn't space. Or at least, it is giving space and time on your own timetable and not hers. It isn't letting her come to you. It is going to take much much longer than a couple of weeks for feelings to settle, for the fog to clear, for the best way forward to become obvious. I've been there myself and I know how long two weeks can feel when you are suffering and not getting what you want. But checking in in the way you're planning to is pursuit and pressure and is likely to backfire. And I do think each of us deserves someone who wants to be with us - not someone who is forced by the law or cajoled or guilted or persuaded by us into being with us.
