22 Years Gone Part 2

[rooskers]

DS I always love advice and take it as a way to reflect on my actions and improve myself. I am going to try to explain and the situation and see if you still disagree with my actions. I will try not to come across as defensive I am truly just trying to find the best way to help D14 navigate this struggle.

Fifth why are these things up in the air and being discussed if you have a binding parenting agreement? All this should have been covered.

We have a binding parenting agreement that the judge signed off on. An example, because I don't want to give the actual agreement online, is she is suppose to have D14 every other weekend starting at 5pm Friday until Sunday at 5pm. I help D14 pack and we take all her stuff to school and at 5pm I walk her down the stairs, hug her and she goes with her mom. The problem comes up when D14 tells her mom or asks me to tell her mom that she wants to come home early. The other issue is when XW asks me for permission to do things during her visitation time as if I am the judge who can tell her what to do.

Second, by saying it’s up to XW and your daughter to come up with arrangements you expose yourself to being sidelined and not having input, and having that ‘it’s not my call ‘ position used against you if it goes to court.

Example of arrangements that I am talking about is this weekends upcoming dance. This Friday is her visitation time with D14 and she will have physical custody of D14. XW emails me and asks what the plans are before and after the dance. She does this a lot even though it is her custody time with D14 and so if I answer D14 would like to get ready at her friends house, go to the dance, and then spend the night at her friends house she will accuse me of interfering with her visitation time. Another example would be when she asks me if D14 would like to go to a party at one of XW's house during her visitation time and if I ask D14 and she says no thank you and I let XW know she doesn't wish to go then XW will accuse me of interfering with her visitation and turning D14 against her friends. I do believe that the arrangements they make during XW visitation time is between D14 and her and it causes an unhealthy triangle if she tries to bring me in on the decision making of what they do during XW time with D14. The lawyer recommended I stay out of their time together and that is what I meant by the statement "the organization, coordination, and fulfillment of your visitation weekend plans with D13 are between you and her" I would not ask my XW for permission to take D14 to the movies during my visitation time and don't want her asking my permission for what she does during her time.

First, take advice on getting kids involved in coming up with arrangements with the other parent. Here in oz that’s a huge no no, as is unwittingly putting them in the position of being messengers

This is the most difficult part. For example, D14 has an upcoming visitation with her mom from Friday at 5pm until Sunday at 5pm but she doesn't want to go the entire time and tells me this. I tell D14 there is nothing I can do because that is what is stipulated in the legal agreement. D14 will then go to a therapy appointment and tell her therapist that it would help her to build trust and a sense of security if she can go from Friday at 5pm until Saturday at 5pm so she can use Sunday to recover emotionally. I don't enter into that discussion because I don't want to influence D14 either way. After the therapy session D14 with her therapist let me know what D14 would like me to ask her mom. I then let D14 know that I can ask her mom but if she says no then you must follow what is in the legal agreement. I would then email XW what D14 has discussed in therapy and if she would agree to it to let me know so I can be available for an earlier dropoff. XW would return D14 on Saturday at 5pm like D14 asked but then after send me an email saying I was distancing her from D14 and not following the legal agreement. I would then respond that you have physical custody of D14 and you returned her to me by your choice and that . Finally the therapist said this was not healthy for anyone and told me I needed to remove myself from the unhealthy communication triangle. So D14's therapist has been working on D14 communicating what she would like during her visitation time with her mother instead of me having to be the go between which leads to all the accusations.

Fourth, parenting arrangements are adult issues to be communicated by adults.

If I want D14 beyond my scheduled visitation to take D14 on a vacation then I would certainly communicate this desire with my XW before even bringing it up with D14. It wouldn't be fair to ask D14 to ask her mom if she can go with me on an extended vacation because this puts both D14 and her mother in an unfair position. Likewise if her mom would like to have her for additional time I would like her to go through me first so D14 doesn't feel like she has to arrange or be a go between. I would also be in violation if I kept asking for D14 during XW visitation time and not having her ready or denying visitation. However if D14 wants to go home early from her visitation with her mom then that is between her mom and her because I have no legal right or responsibility in that decision. If she is coming home early I just need either XW or D14 to say "hey D14 will be coming home on Saturday at 5pm instead of Sunday."


Ideally the visitation plan is just followed as outlined but when you have a 14 year old who says I don't want this and an XW who wants me to make decisions regarding what they do during their visitation time then it becomes infinitely more difficult. I would love more suggestions.