I don't see how you blew it, at all. Maybe by letting yourself have hope... but to be perfectly honest, I don't see that as a bad thing. I don't actually want to be a robot who can control my emotions 100% in these situations, or someone who looks at how your W has been treating you and has a knee-jerk reaction of skepticism and pessimism rather than hope. Yes, you might open yourself up to be hurt. But you're a strong, amazing person and there is no need to feel like an idiot or that you did something wrong. I think the ability to love and to let yourself be vulnerable is a wonderful thing.
I think even in the best of circumstances it is hard for the WS to cut off all contact with the AP. This "needing to see if she is OK" is the same thing my H is saying to me too. And, that by not walking out the door, he believes he *is* working on us... which is of course impossible for the WS to do without being 100% committed to the R and breaking off contact with the AP forever. And you will never have emotional safety until you know she is totally out of the picture, and so cannot heal.
Anyway, it sounds to me like you made your boundaries crystal clear. She's clearly still bouncing around in her head-- maybe sounds like she knows what she wants (you) but still doesn't have the fortitude to do what it takes to really commit to making that work (NC with OW). And not to try to be a mind-reader but probably in her mind she has been trying, she's doing her best, doing all these romantic things and just trying not to be an a**hole to this other person she's hurt in all of this (OW) and that isn't enough for you. (Nor should it be!) Anyway. She should feel more guilty for hurting you than for hurting OW. She should put herself in your shoes and see all the damage she's done to her WIFE and stop feeling sorry for herself. But, she isn't there yet and there is no way to know that she'll ever get there. It isn't your problem, and she is the one missing out if she can't.
Hugs... you know what to do. Focus on YOU.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
