Thanks for sharing Steve85, some similarities in the approach with tracking. As I said before she was the chaser from the start but I got complacent. She wanted to impress me and win me over so for the first couple of years of the relationship she moulded herself to what she thought I wanted. Over the last few years I drowned myself in work and she started going out having a good time because I was boring. She went out one night and in a moment of madness (and over something really ridiculous) I tried to access one of her accounts to check something. It was stupid and I owned up immediately and apologised but she remembers that as being a breach of trust when she had nothing to hide. Fast forward to more recently I suspected for a while about the A and asked her about it which she staunchly denied. There were just too many clues and I needed to know so I gained access to one of her accounts and found out about the A. And of course she knows about that too. What I did is nothing to what she has done but it’s still there. She says she is worried I will turn resentful because of what she has done. We’ve spoken about what we would ever do if we found out about an affair with a spouse years ago just in conversation when discussing another couple or something on TV. She said she would forgive the first time, I said I would divorce and could never trust that person again.
She said she wanted to tell me about the A but she feared I would maintain my world view and end the M. She has been really surprised at me wanting to work on our M and try and forgive her. She said she didn’t think I’d “fight for her like I have”. She finds that suspicious like I will turn bossy/nasty/unpleasant later (but I know I wouldn’t let myself do that). As part of our early conversations I obviously hated the idea of her still seeing OM and talking to him. And I said the first things to demonstrate her efforts to reconcile would have to be enabling location tracking (was actually turned off over something silly just prior to the A but timing is convenient - she hates the idea of being monitored) and ending it with the OM. I like the security of the tracker but maybe under your experience I should consider turning it off and telling her the outcome of our relationship is based on her actions? I don’t want to be a H that has to keep an eye on this W, I hate it and really doesn’t feel good. I’ve told her the tracker isn’t about being monitored it’s about demonstrating there’s nothing to hide.
The thing that is really bugging me is that she has a wall up against moving things to the next level - moving back in, getting physical. Adding to the complication is that she is now house sitting for her parents so can’t really move back straight away. At first I thought it was her being unhappy, then I thought it was OM, then I thought it was guilt (she said she didn’t feel like she be close being false knowing what she’d done). When the PA was outed she said a weight had been lifted. But the wall is still there. Don’t know whether it’s fear of coming back and not being happy/not being certain about our future, OM (grieving or still having feelings or even still seeing - she says she’s not bothered) or just emotional fallout that’s scrambled her game. She said last night she could probably turn the physical back on but she’s not ready. If it’s OM I can’t control that. If it’s anything else I guess I need to detach and let her work it out which is my gameplan. Thing that’s ruining my resolve to follow that game plan is that she is wanting to connect several times a day now - buying me things, messaging me, updating me about her day, sharing songs etc. which is great and I want that to continue and get back. I also wonder whether shes shifting the role of OM back over to me. Another thing I’ve found very curious is her detailing things she liked about OM almost as if to ask me to do/be the same things for her. So that’s messing my game because I feel I need to be there for her to build up the relationship again and if I’m unavailable I won’t be there to build it with her. But a DB’er might call those many breadcrumbs for the time being?
