Cross countries separation EU

[Pack_19]

hi both!

Thanks a lot for the support! Believe me I am trying to detach but it feels as if I have to keep this part of my brain focused on changing permanently that dark side of my that showed more and more often at home. That selfish person focused on making money and with the outburst of bad mood. What I am trying to say is that it does not feel as if ok the door is open and I am going to move on with my life. Instead it goes more like, we both failed therefore there are things of me I have to change and this is not like that time I stopped eating processed food, these are deep changes that go all the way into my perceptions of happiness and my role in the world.

I have a really good friend I write to every time I feel like contacting her. He keeps cheering for me to get to that business alike tone and contact attitude. I am getting there.

I am not going to be plan B for anyone, the only way we can make this work is with her full commitment and acknowledgement of the consequences this situation is having for both us and our children. In the same way that I fear D I fear the fact that time and distance will confirm it so I am trying to be consistent with my 180 so that at least my W can see that I respect her wishes and can have the kind of relationship she is demanding now. Sometimes I put too much pressure on me because I think the more she builds a life without me the harder it will be to give R a go. I am guessing that mentality does not help.

As I said I am serious about changing my mistakes and getting back in touch with myself but at the same time this also makes me think is the only way I can have a chance at saving my M at some point. I guess I am holding on to those times when she told me I was the problem and I had to change to think we will have a second chance and as you say that is an expectation I need to let go of.

I would love to somehow break her expectations for me, do something she would never expect and stop the hatred dynamics we are into. I just dont know how to do it, as you say, if I contact her it is pressure, if I go dark I am neglecting my children and becoming the fun parent...

Definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do and yet the most important!

thank you all!