What gets me most is how H can show me glimpses of his old self on some days and then, without notice, shift right back into his angry alien mode.
YES!!!! My XW would slip into her old self now and then, it gave me hope that she was trying to fight her way back out past the alien. But over time I saw the "old her" less and less until she completely vanished. It was maybe 3 years post-D before I started seeing glimpses of the old her again. She came back little-by-little, but never completely (at least not yet?) I'd say she's about 50% of her old self now.
What gets me most is how H can show me glimpses of his old self on some days and then, without notice, shift right back into his angry alien mode.
YES!!!! My XW would slip into her old self now and then, it gave me hope that she was trying to fight her way back out past the alien. But over time I saw the "old her" less and less until she completely vanished. It was maybe 3 years post-D before I started seeing glimpses of the old her again. She came back little-by-little, but never completely (at least not yet?) I'd say she's about 50% of her old self now.
Oh my goodness, that is so disheartening. I really miss the old H! I guess that is why this is like grief for me - missing someone who may never be back. So heartbreaking!
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I am still working on trying to assume H will not be coming home each time he leaves (or to get so busy GALing that I ignore his comings and going altogether), but it is not easy. Anxiety grips me each time I hear the front door open and the alarm chime, then the door close and eventually his car crank and drive away. Those sounds are what my nightmare is made of right now. I pray this gets easier. Trusting those of you who say it will.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Met with my IC who has recommended that I tell H when he is doing something I like/miss to encourage more of it (e.g., when I see bits of his old self peeking through the veil of the MLC alien). I am still reading the DR book but I am thinking this goes against DB rules. It seems that praising his good behavior will bring on rebellion like it does for an unruly teenager (it is so uncool for mommy to actually like what I am doing so I will either try never do this thing she likes again or I will go do something I know she absolutely hates to ensure her she does not have any control over my behavior).
This is exhausting...
Last edited by HesAble; 01/16/2006:19 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Rather than explicitly praising his good behavior, maybe there are other, more subtle ways to reinforce, like smiling at him, engaging with him, etc. Have you read the 7 Principles? Not saying this was good or bad from a DB (or eventual outcome) perspective, but the two things I changed in my own behavior last spring after DB1 when my H was a total and complete a**hole all day long and resentment basically rolled off him in waves every time we were in the same room was to start paying attention to his bids and validating. If he would talk to me nicely or ask me something, I would put down what I was doing and listen and validate rather than do it with half my attention and point out the flaws. If he complained about something stupid like how I loaded the DW, instead of getting angry back and fueling the fire I just validated-- I see how that would be frustrating. Those simple changes with a little bit of time really changed our interactions and the funny, fun, not-angry-all-the-time H came back.
Course, he's still not in love with me and all that and my H hasn't gone quite as far off the deep end in terms of his behaviors at home as yours-- but as long as you are subtle about it, can keep a happy attitude and just be nice and responsive (and validating) when you do see the old H peeking out, it might help without seeming like you're being his mom and still giving him the space he desires.
You're strong. Don't let him drag you down.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thanks for that feedback, May 22. I am not sure I have been giving my full attention when the old H is peeking out so I will definitely work on that. I spend so much time and energy trying to ignore the crazy antics of the "MLC Alien H" that it will likely be hard to switch back and forth. I will be more conscious of this though (and I will smile more).
Last edited by HesAble; 01/17/2002:12 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Am I the only one who hates weekends now? H goes out more on the weekend and, because I do not work on the weekends, I am home more to see his bad behavior more. I am trying to GAL on weekends and my kids' sports activities keep me busy, but I am truly a homebody who used to actually enjoy the comforts of being at home with a great book, blanket and hot cup of tea. I know I sound like an old woman! LOL.
Now I don't like to be at home much so weekends (especially 3 day weekends like this one) are torture. Even though H stays out most of the week, a knot forms in my stomach due to anxiety about when he will return or leave again.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/17/2007:34 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I've been struggling with that too. I'm a homebody. So at first going out all weekend was killing me. This is going to sound so stupid but please bear with me. I saw a psychic and she said it's my home. I know I want to be there. He doesn't that's his problem. She "saw" that I had stopped cooking. I love cooking but cooking to me means love so I stopped after BD. She said get back in that kitchen and cook, listen to YOUR music. Sing, dance. Fill that space with you. And god was she right. I've found out GALing isn't just being out. I live in a place with a lot of snow so I've had to hunker down a couple of weekends. I plan what I'm going to do and do it. I'm going to read. I'm going to cook. I'm going to live the hell in my home and not on eggshells. The teens come in my room and lay in bed and watch movies with me if I'm not hauling them around. Last snow in I took over the main bathroom for hours to take a lovely bath with candles. I realized as I was soaking it was a big not intentional FU to the H. You wanna get ready to go see your gf better grab your crap and find a good mirror 'cause this is my bathroom right now. Also I guess you're washing up in the sink to go out. It wasn't intentionally petty. It was me refusing to not live in my own house. I make sure I go out at least 1 night. Just to prove that I have a damn life too. But honestly taking my home back really helped with detaching. Hard to care what he's doing with a glass of wine in a lavender bath.
I've been struggling with that too. I'm a homebody. So at first going out all weekend was killing me. This is going to sound so stupid but please bear with me. I saw a psychic and she said it's my home. I know I want to be there. He doesn't that's his problem. She "saw" that I had stopped cooking. I love cooking but cooking to me means love so I stopped after BD. She said get back in that kitchen and cook, listen to YOUR music. Sing, dance. Fill that space with you. And god was she right. I've found out GALing isn't just being out. I live in a place with a lot of snow so I've had to hunker down a couple of weekends. I plan what I'm going to do and do it. I'm going to read. I'm going to cook. I'm going to live the hell in my home and not on eggshells. The teens come in my room and lay in bed and watch movies with me if I'm not hauling them around. Last snow in I took over the main bathroom for hours to take a lovely bath with candles. I realized as I was soaking it was a big not intentional FU to the H. You wanna get ready to go see your gf better grab your crap and find a good mirror 'cause this is my bathroom right now. Also I guess you're washing up in the sink to go out. It wasn't intentionally petty. It was me refusing to not live in my own house. I make sure I go out at least 1 night. Just to prove that I have a damn life too. But honestly taking my home back really helped with detaching. Hard to care what he's doing with a glass of wine in a lavender bath.
Wayfarer, you ROCK. HesAble-- you can do this! (I will too!!)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
YES to all of this, wayfarer! I love the way you put this. HesAble, I used to feel the way you are feeling about weekends—I would dread them because I didn’t know if H would be gone the entire time or home. I started feeling like I needed to take back my house too, just like wayfarer said. Light candles, take my time cooking or baking in the kitchen, and what you said—hot tea and a book! I have felt much better since I was able to give myself permission to do what I want in my own home, to be there as much as I want. I watch something on the couch in the living room and he carries around his iPad with headphones. Whatever. Don’t let him take away the joy you find in your home!
Whew. I’ve been having a rough week, and I don’t feel confident about much, feel like I’m going backwards in a lot of my mindset, but I do few good that I’ve been better at reclaiming my space. You can do that too. Weekends are for you!
and my H hasn't gone quite as far off the deep end in terms of his behaviors at home as yours-- but as long as you are subtle about it, can keep a happy attitude and just be nice and responsive (and validating) when you do see the old H peeking out, it might help without seeming like you're being his mom and still giving him the space he desires.