I feel for you so much. I don't have a lot to offer except that I can empathize so much with you and know how real those emotions are. You do need to feel them and not push them down. (I need to take my own advice on this too.)
Hugs.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing