Stranger In My House

[HesAble]

Hesable, my H still comes and goes and our house is basically just his storage unit where he puts his stuff at the moment. I had many back and forth feelings about whether to kick him out entirely or keeping the status quote before also. In my situation it was mostly because our kids didn’t know about what’s happening yet and we didn’t want to rock the boat. But I honestly had a lot of fear, like you, that if I asked him to move out, that’d be the end of our M.

Things are different now, unfortunately the kids know. But at the same time I was able to talk to them and explain why daddy is not sleeping here at night. That took a huge weight off my shoulders. As to H still coming and going- either he’s not ready to really leave or he’s cake-eating or whatever...I’m cutting him some slack. I know he’s not enjoying his life that much right now.

I want to point out that just because your H is staying out late, seemingly having the time of his life right now...doesn’t necessarily mean that he is enjoying it. Try to take the focus off of his behavior. Stop looking at the clock and wondering when he’s coming home. I would not even ask him to commit x time to watch the kids if you don’t have to. The whole premise is that he is already irresponsible, and for you to set that expectation for him and yourself doesn’t seem to help the situation. Are you going to be even more resentful if he doesn’t follow through and choose to stay out all night when he agreed to watch the kids? Are you going to use that ammunition to carry out your thoughts of kicking him out?

I ask my H to take out the trash on his way out. That’s about as much I can expect of him right now....lol. I’ve also asked my H to watch the kids regularly at x time and he was keeping his word until he didn’t.

The kids is the tricky part. Before they found out I’ve suggested to my H that we should sit them down and let them know that mommy and daddy are trying to figure things out. But H did not want to. Have your kids ask any questions about daddy’s behavior?

My kids know something is odd but only the younger child has been asking questions like "Where's dad?" I refuse to lie so I tell the truth: a simple "I don't know." I think my son who is older observes and internalizes a lot, but is not asking questions because he is trying to put things together himself without asking. This is just his introverted personality.

I think you are right about lowering expectations for getting help with kids and chores. He didn't help much even pre-BD so what makes me think he will step up in this state? If I don't lower expectations, I am just setting myself up for more anger and frustration. I need no expectations in this area and if he does do something on his own, then great. He has been helping some with the kids and I appreciate it, but there are times he stays out and texts that he won't be around to help that morning or evening because he won't be at home (sometimes there is no text warning, just a no-show).