If I had to guess I might say you are close to piecing
Thanks Iron Will. I don't think there'll be 'a conversation' either. I know the conversation we had last week covered ground we had attempted to discuss before - months and months ago - but I did feel there was a better honesty from him and I was more able to hear and understand, and vice versa.
I think if you asked my H he'd say that we were working on things. That this wasn't a reconciliation but about rebuilding a relationship from scratch.
Up until a couple of weeks ago I would not have said that. I'd have said, instead, that we were two separate people living in the same house, both testing various situations to see if an R was possible. I don't get the sense that we're 'going back' in terms of resurrecting something that was dead. I do think if R is to happen it isn't about a return but about making something new. I do want to do that, and I believe that H wants to do that, but I am not certain either he or I have the skills or abilities to carry it off.
There's been a peaceful and happy few days. He is touching me more - just in passing - and differently: as if I am his wife and someone he desires the company and attention of rather than as if I am a task to be completed or dealt with before he can do what he actually wants to do. The difference is subtle but it is there and I do feel it and I think he is feeling it too.
So much of this is non-verbal and I don't want to mind read. But his actions are following through. I've noted him taking great care over the words he chooses when he speaks to me, and genuinely and uninhibitedly looking happy when I come into the room. It's been years - years! - since I've seen him do that. We both have a couple of very demanding work weeks coming up and made a plan together the other evening as to how we will handle childcare, cooking, GAL for me and time alone for him. That was very new.
I'm in a strange place. Happy about these developments. Don't trust them. Wanting to trust them and enjoy what I have, but not wanting to feel safe in case it makes the fall back I fear is in my future even harder to bear. I am in some ways still grieving the past and the difficult times. Still mulling over this new information about his EA - pictures in my head. Flashes of anger and mean things I want to say (I don't say them, I go out for walks instead!). I've had my opportunity to ask questions and get information so I know I need to leave this behind. He has offered full transparency and these days I don't have any doubts that he's where he says he is and that his actions are faithful. I feel fear: that something else will come out (I know what people say about a man confessing to an EA because he doesn't want to confess to an PA) or that something important has been hidden. If I meant what I said when I said I was willing to move on from our shared past and work on a new R, then I need to let that go. Most of the time it is okay. I just wish it hadn't happened. I do appreciate that at that time he was very stressed, lonely and anxious and was attracted to something fun and comforting: he got the admiration and attention he wasn't getting at home. That doesn't make it my fault, or any less wrong, and it doesn't make me responsible for keeping him faithful. But sometimes I can feel a bit of compassion for him in his loneliness and self-centeredness at that time. And sometimes I would like to pour paint stripper on the OW's car and let her know precisely what my opinions are about her (and I do know she isn't the one who made vows to me and isn't deserving of those feelings). I am just riding these emotions out. I will check in again properly next week.
