I was spending tonight at home alone cleaning the house, doing laundry, paused for some meditation. I felt pretty balanced and good all things considered.
And suddenly I started thinking about some things going on with S7 and just started bawling. I haven't cried in weeks. I haven't cried in pain like this since my nephew passed away several years ago.
S7 has been acting out more than usual lately. I spoke to a potential counselor today for him. S7 told me the other night that he wanted to have more family dinners, more dinners with both Mom and Dad together. I thought I heard him say "or even maybe a date."
I could tell when I spoke to him on the phone tonight he was down, and seemed to want to talk longer than usual.
I have a lot of big emotions about this and they all flooded up at the same time. He's just an innocent boy thrown in the middle of this tornado. My heart feels f**king broken. Worse than at any point during the last year, worse than at any point during the unraveling of my MR. It's not fair. I don't want this for him. I don't want this for any of my kids. I'm seeing the impact and I feel really upset and sad and angry and helpless and guilty and powerless. Upset that things came to this point. Sad that my kids have to suffer from our absurd and selfish adult dysfunction. Angry that my W didn't want to work on the MR. Angry that she blames me for it all, including S7's issues. Helpless about how this impacts the kids. Guilty for not doing enough myself to try to save things. Guilty for how I contributed to the MR problems. Powerless because I can't change the past. Powerless to protect him from having to deal with this heavy stuff.
I know ... let the emotions be, they will calm down. I'm being dramatic. I can read the above and point out all the exaggerations. Just be the best dad I can be, that's all I can do for them. Love them, protect them, guide them.
