Thanks IHCLACS Trying to make this switch, stop reacting to her rollercoaster, it's backwards and forwards for me right now, with work and the kids and my own emotional issues/ yearning it's day by day.
But need to actually plan more for myself, short term and long term goals. My major cheeseless tunnel right now is seeking some reassurance or glimmer of hope from W. Seeking breadcrumbs right now.
I know I hear ya bud. I really do. Especially the internal reactions to their actions. My mom, my confidant and best friend just died Sun. XW wants to discuss custody schedule for this weekend for a wedding she is involved in the bridal party with that she is keeping a secret about. She had bachelorette party two weekends ago. The person/friend getting married I always found to be a bad influence. Nice girl, but bad influence. Given the red flags I saw last year in Jan/Feb from XW when bridal party started up and rings came off. Even though I'm mind reading. Id say it's safe to say she will be sleeping or hooking up with someone this weekend. Does the thought of it bother me? Only for a moment. I let it wash over me. I've lost my house, my family, my W. My water pump blew this week putting me further out of work and $. (I'm hourly) Lost work over last 3 months due to weather, S2 being sick or mom being sick. Lost my support system. (Love my brothers but don't care for any of their lifestyles that is repulsive to me. They never change or grow.) Have to deal with my Mom's house which is right out of an episode of hoarders. The estate. The will, the arrangements. Im completely alone in my apartment and actually loving it just purely for the introspection. Want to go out but can't afford to. Have mediation this month which will most likely be postponed to next month. Learning a lot about myself alone, about relationships, the bible, God life and what not. Despite having few friends and no social life. (Sometimes I'm jealous of what XW is always doing and experiencing.) Going places being social, buying a new car, etc.... But remind myself that that is her life and mine is mine. I have my own beliefs, desires, wants, needs, etc. Im actually doing pretty ok despite all this chaos around me. Even XW is completely shocked just how well I'm taking all of this and taking everything on, and how calm I am.
I've been sitting down. Writing out my goals of what I want to do externally GAL, and work on and think about internally. Places I want to go. Things I want to do and see. Goals O want to achieve. Business ventures I want to make. And I chunk them down into daily tangible measurable goals. Something I've never done until forced to be reckoned to my own time, my own life, independence, and being completely alone. I'm ready to start growing again from rock bottom and taking my entire life into my own hands and not let the outside circumstances affect that. Even though Im making baby steps. For the first time in my life. I feel like I'm on center and no body can knock me off it. I feel this strength like I've never felt before. I know God has a good plan for my life. That if I can handle all this. I can handle anything. Steve85 was right. 90% of life is how we handle things and 10% of what happens us. All this chaos is changing me not to be dwelling or drowning in negativity anymore. To be hopeful. To take action. To inspire. To plan. To create, and most importantly to change. I only mention it here to illustrate just how many emotional physical financial marital and psychological obstacles I've encountered in tge last year. I've learned to let go what I can't control like Mom passing, and XW leaving the M. I do get to control my life, my actions, my thoughts, and my direction. I've pretty much ghosted communications with XW unless its related to S2. She's been friendly and helpful and ive been receptive and thankful and I leave it at that. You don't need another person to stay to have a good life. People want what they want when they want it. You don't have to like or agree with free will, but you kind of have to respect it. When someone points out an error or flaw? Thank them for it. Learn from it immediately. If I think of any other words or thoughts of inspiration ill be sure to post them here on DB. Lately my thoughts about life have been on fire. Now is the time to share them, empower people, and create new experiences.
