I completely get where you are coming from on this point.
It has mostly been a reframing exercise to realize that I am not the monster she portrays. My W has tiptoed very close to the edge. She has used the power of her allegations to control me, and used the power of a 3rd party counselor to hammer this home. Or you can say I allowed this to happen. Either way, the dynamic has not been healthy for me, I don't believe it is healthy for her, and it's DEFINITELY not healthy for our kids.
Now... I understand that I sound like a victim saying the above. Part of telling her I won't go back to MC is to take back my own personal power. I think this is healthy. I can choose to continue living in her world, or start doing my own thing. That's just how I see it.
Going back to your point, learning about "emotional abuse" did help me reframe things. Whereas before I thought I was being patient by tolerating my W's behaviors, now I am still empathetic towards her but I am choosing to stand up for myself. This is one of the biggest 180s I can make (in my opinion).
I don't really identify with the term. I'm no victim. But coming to terms with what has been happening in our relationship has helped. I see the toxic dynamic for what it is.
I wish I could be more patient in some ways. I see my kids suffering. I know they want mom and dad to be together again. I can't make it happen.
