Hello I'm back with a new thread, I'm not sure if H ever made his way here but I'll leave all that behind and skip to the present...
Every since H brought up D again last time, he casually mentioned a few times afterwards about talking to a L. Now he seems to be back to "busy working mode" again. *Too many* things on his plate to think about our M, or D. I let him be.
I have been busy being the best single mother I can be to my sons, taking on my part-time job, and reflecting.
I'm still not sure if H is aware of his depression and alcoholism. Maybe he is aware but he is denial of the magnitude. I can check H on everything on a depression checklist. Which also includes thought of suicide which he mentioned to me few days ago. not the first time. I listened and gave him a hug.
I haven't really been showing him affection at all since DBing (trying to detach hard), but I slowly feel like he needs it. I feel like maybe he got more depressed thinking that I did not care about him anymore. I feel good about showing him a a glimmer of love. I still hold zero expectation and I have very little fear about potential D after talking to Ls, so I know my affection would be coming from the right place. I just want to give him support.
Depression & alcoholism is such a dark place. I decided to talk about alcohol with my kids the other night. gosh that was a difficult conversation. And the drinking culture is so pervasive in the US. every pop song, every movie....there'd be a reference to drinking/being drunk/alcohol. oops I digress....
anyways...I'm holding on to patience...compassion...love...and hope.
