Hello I'm back with a new thread, I'm not sure if H ever made his way here but I'll leave all that behind and skip to the present...
Every since H brought up D again last time, he casually mentioned a few times afterwards about talking to a L. Now he seems to be back to "busy working mode" again. *Too many* things on his plate to think about our M, or D. I let him be.
I have been busy being the best single mother I can be to my sons, taking on my part-time job, and reflecting.
I'm still not sure if H is aware of his depression and alcoholism. Maybe he is aware but he is denial of the magnitude. I can check H on everything on a depression checklist. Which also includes thought of suicide which he mentioned to me few days ago. not the first time. I listened and gave him a hug.
I haven't really been showing him affection at all since DBing (trying to detach hard), but I slowly feel like he needs it. I feel like maybe he got more depressed thinking that I did not care about him anymore. I feel good about showing him a a glimmer of love. I still hold zero expectation and I have very little fear about potential D after talking to Ls, so I know my affection would be coming from the right place. I just want to give him support.
Depression & alcoholism is such a dark place. I decided to talk about alcohol with my kids the other night. gosh that was a difficult conversation. And the drinking culture is so pervasive in the US. every pop song, every movie....there'd be a reference to drinking/being drunk/alcohol. oops I digress....
anyways...I'm holding on to patience...compassion...love...and hope.
I’ve been sick for the past few days. Feeling weak physically has taken a toll on my mental fortitude. Last night I broke down in front of the kids when S10 was giving me a hard time and pushing my buttons. I cried and told him that he had no idea how much pain I am experiencing both mentally and physically, how I wish I didn’t have to do all of this by myself without their dad, and just how sad I am at the moment. Not my best parental moment.....hope I can do better. My little one gave me lots of kisses last night which were so magically healing. *taking a deep breath....
Like a week ago I snapped on the 17 year old. I felt terrible. But it had been a bad day. And god love her she still loves me so much, and wants to tell me about everything all the time, and my head was not in the game at all. I apologized. She was angry for an hour or so but eventually climbed in bed with me to watch TV. S10 of yours is little, but they know. Button pushing could've been his own hurt. Could've been a way to get you out of your head and to focus on him negative attention is still attention. We all slip, mamma, don't beat yourself up about it too much.
You're dealing with tough stuff with your H. My current H just lost his mind, MLC, wayward, who knows, but my daughter's father was an addict and depressed. It's not an easy road. And you can't fix one with out fixing the other. I never finished all my steps in al-anon, the philosophy is really for people who were still deeply embedded in a relationship with their addicted loved one. About 10-12 meetings in for me I was already quietly moving my stuff out. And was going weeks at a time with out speaking to him like at all. But it did give me a lot of tools to deal with him, and the anger and resentment. It sets you up with a community of people dealing with the same thing, and the kids an opportunity to meet other kids with similar family dynamics, and they can eventually participate in ala-teen. This DB community is great to support you for figuring out you, and what you want, and support for the ups and downs, and your plan to go forward, but you have kids with an alcoholic father. No one here is going to be able to support you appropriately through that. You need a community of people who are doing that and have done it. In my real world community they have "beginners" meetings that you can come and go as you please from, they'll tell you when you're ready to transition to a real group and help you find one. Perhaps you need something like that where you aren't fully committed but you can drop in and see if that's a good path for you.
Wooba, I hope you're feeling better, both physically and mentally. Being sick makes everything so much harder, and I feel like maintaining that mental fortitude is its own full-time job. You're doing great.
Button pushing could've been his own hurt. Could've been a way to get you out of your head and to focus on him negative attention is still attention.
Oh totally, I know S10 is hurting. He’s been having a lot of big emotions already just by being a tween, and with all this stuff happening...I’m sure he doesn’t have the emotional vocabulary for what he is feeling. But everything manifests in anger. So when I want to address him about something, I get pushback. It has been difficult for me to figure out what to do, sometimes I don’t say anything and I just give him a long hug....and it seems to be better than words.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
You're dealing with tough stuff with your H. My current H just lost his mind, MLC, wayward, who knows, but my daughter's father was an addict and depressed. It's not an easy road. And you can't fix one with out fixing the other.
May I asked what eventually happened with you and your daughter’s father? I totally understand if you don’t want to share. I have finally come to terms that his alcoholism is the biggest problem right now. It took me awhile to get here because he was a “high-functioning” alcoholic. But now I can see that no, an alcoholic is an alcoholic, and clearly many aspects of his life are not functioning!!! I was just looking at al-anon groups in my area....I have been reading on this topic and will probably reach out to a group soon. I think DBing already helped with a lot of what al-anon suggests- detaching is a big one. I have very little anger and resentment at this point.
Wooba, I hope you're feeling better, both physically and mentally. Being sick makes everything so much harder, and I feel like maintaining that mental fortitude is its own full-time job. You're doing great.
Thank you cardinal! I have been feeling better and trying to get my groove back.
We have quite a few family gatherings ahead this weekend, I wonder how H is going to keep up with everything. He has not been his best self lately. He made me food yesterday and told me he loves me. Hm. It was nice, but I know we have a long road ahead. Last night I was in bed and reading about alcoholism...watching YouTube videos on it and all the sudden felt this immense pressure, and I cried again. I cried, and was glad I was crying. It’s a weird feeling, knowing that it hurts but I gotta let it all out. Today is a new day, and I will be stronger.
May I asked what eventually happened with you and your daughter’s father? I totally understand if you don’t want to share. I have finally come to terms that his alcoholism is the biggest problem right now. It took me awhile to get here because he was a “high-functioning” alcoholic. But now I can see that no, an alcoholic is an alcoholic, and clearly many aspects of his life are not functioning!!! I was just looking at al-anon groups in my area....I have been reading on this topic and will probably reach out to a group soon. I think DBing already helped with a lot of what al-anon suggests- detaching is a big one. I have very little anger and resentment at this point.
So we met very young. I had her very young. I mistook a lot of his behavior in the beginning for typical party culture behavior. It was not. But we kept going forward in the relationship because I got pregnant only 6 months in. He got a big boy job. We got a house. We pretended to live like a happy little family of 3 that just started a lil rough, but he got progressively worse. He was also highly, highly functional. But he was a bad drunk. Lots of fights. Lots of him making accusations. Lots of long nights. Lots of bad nights. Lots of him resenting me and our daughter. Lots of me having to pick him up and dust him off after a bad night he had on his own. Over time the booze got harder and more voluminous until he started pills. That went on for a few years.
During that time I guess I was kinda DBing without knowing it. I went to school twice. Got my BA and some certifications. Lived my life. Removed myself from him as much as humanly possible. Fighting never really got better. Pretty much only got worse. We had both moved out and moved back in several times. We had a very very bad night. Things got physical. That night was apparently his bottom. Or I should really say his first bottom. There was another move out and in. He started to get clean. And I really thought if he got clean things would get better. But it just made his mental health issues more pronounced. He's bi-polar. He got clean but refused to participate in a 12 step or any kind of AODA counseling, not even cognitive behavioral therapy. He did each, once, and determined he hated them and they were a waste of his time and quit. I disliked him just as much clean as I did when he was using. But I was determined to keep trying.
He was clean for about a year then the gambling started. Money was disappearing faster than it was when he was on the pills. Then he reintroduced drinking. Smaller amounts but still. About a year after that we went to a wedding and I cried the entire time. I couldn't stop. I spent the whole night in the bathroom bawling. The idea of spending the rest of my life with him made me want to hurt myself. Not figuratively. But I never really loved him. Not the way a person should if they want to spend their lives together. Not the way I should've considering what I let him put me through. I never felt the way about him the way I feel about my H or even how I felt about my high school boyfriend. I got pregnant and decided ok, this is what it is, I'll make it work. I can make this work. And continued to shove that square peg firmly into a round hole for years. Eventually I figured out I couldn't make it work based on sheer force of will. I moved out for good a month after that wedding. He went into a depression. He eventually hit bottom again. Got clean again. About a year after I left met someone. Became a much better version of himself than I ever knew him as. And then in a manic phase cheated on her and left her and the city we live in to be with that OW. He's still drinking. He's still highly functional. He does very well for himself. But the mental health issues are getting so bad my daughter won't spend more than a few hours with him on the weekend.
I wasted more time on him than I care to think about. But I was, like now, trying to keep my child's family intact. But then I was needy and co-dependent for a lot of that relationship. I was honestly barely an adult for a lot of that relationship too. I pushed all my abandonment and anxious attachment issues on our relationship. He is a narcissist and when we met I was perfect for that ego of his. I stopped being that and things between us were permanently altered because I messed up his ideal dynamic. However by that point he was co-dependent, so he hung on. I was also broke and had no where to go for a lot of that relationship. So we circled the drain for years and year longer than we should have. It took a lot of therapy and time to deal with all the hurt I caused myself by trying to hang on and letting him hang on. Also what I thought was to get me in place to stop choosing broken people...as we can see I may not have gotten an A on that part of the therapy, lol .
I’ve been sick for the past few days. Feeling weak physically has taken a toll on my mental fortitude. Last night I broke down in front of the kids when S10 was giving me a hard time and pushing my buttons. I cried and told him that he had no idea how much pain I am experiencing both mentally and physically, how I wish I didn’t have to do all of this by myself without their dad, and just how sad I am at the moment. Not my best parental moment.....hope I can do better. My little one gave me lots of kisses last night which were so magically healing. *taking a deep breath....
I was sick earlier this week, and I have really learned the hard way to keep in mind that it amplifies every emotion and insecurity. Everything seems darker and more hopeless. I also have to be careful not to take it out on others around me -- or myself (it happens, though! Forgive yourself and move on).
Remember, you can't fix your husband's alcoholism or depression. And what a heavy burden to carry. Detachment isn't coldness, so you could show him some level of caring without hindering the process. What I am worried about it codependence, that thing in us that makes us want to fix others. I used to think if I could fix things for my H he would want to do the same for me. If I was pleasing enough and could show how loyal I was. It never worked. You want a relationship, not an entanglement. Oh, I've been there.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Wayfarer- thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appreciate it. I met my H when I was young as well. I definitely feel like the lack of life experience played into how I was blind to a lot of the warning signs early on in our relationship.
Oceangrl- oh yes I finally got the fixer out of my system now (at least 99% I hope lol).
H is close to hitting rock bottom if this isn’t already so. I see a pattern of slowly unable to meet his responsibilities (kids, work), and talking nonsensical.
I am still afraid. But I know I am in the best mindset I’ve ever been in our M. I honestly had no idea that I have been enabling him all these years. How much fear has played into a factor in all my decisions. I knew I have been walking on eggshells much of our M and in the back of my mind I always knew I shouldn’t have to feel that way....but now I have more clarity.
I had a lot of anxiety last night thinking about all the different scenarios that this could play out. If I put my foot down on X, H will react like Y or Z and then how do I protect myself and the children...etc. H has never been violent, but what if he becomes that way when he hits rock bottom...if I tell him to get his stuff out what if he doesn’t want to...my mind was running round and round.
I wanted to say something today to him about his alcoholism and maybe stating a boundary for myself, but I realized he was probably drunk. So I didn’t bother.
Boundaries are good but saying something about his drinking is like me saying something about my H’s OW. It’s not going to get you any where but boundaries with an addict are incredibly important. And you’re a good mom. Of course their dad dealing with AODA issues will affect them but you’re their soft place to fall so they will always always be OK. I promise.
As far as worrying about cause and effect that will slow down with detachment. And you can’t keep living like that. You’re strong. You’ll do what you need to if he becomes unpredictable.
