[SteveLW]

Scott, MCs are usually classically trained. Pursuit. Pressure. Reconnecting. That is what they know and preach. And in marriage where both partners are committed ot the marriage, that can work. Your W is not committed to the marriage, so traditional MCing has very little chance of working. About the only positive I saw from MC in my own sitch was that it gave us a place to do the R talks, without me initiating them myself. That kept me from initiating R talks the other 167 hours each week. Our MC encouraged us to save the R talks for MC, where she could supervise, manage, and coach, in a safe place. But if you think you are going to go to MC, your W is going to hear what she needs, buy into the homework, and make an effort..........well, you will be disappointed.

I will leave the MC to you, since you have a feel for your own sitch better than any of us. But general guidance is that unless your WAS is committed to saving the MR, that it will benefit little. And since you already have issues with expectations, unless you ca drop them related to MC, it might set you back more than move you forward.

I see a lot of you in me. Trying each next new thing hoping for a miracle. Doing it for a few days and growing frustrated when it had no affect.

So I am going to encourage you in what worked for me. When I finally dropped all my expectations of her was when I started to DB well and started to see small signs of a turnaround. Think of it as EXPECTING her to NOT respond positively to anything you try. This helps you find the real strength of DBIng.....taking the focus off of her and putting it on to you.

That is what GAL is for. Right now your W feels like she is under a microscope. You are watching her in minute detail. "Oh, she actually winked at me..maybe things are better! Oh she didn't ask about my day, she hates me an wants nothing to do with me!" My W even described this dynamic as feeling like an animal in the zoo: I was watching her trying to learn her behavior. So when you go out and GAL, they don't feel like they are under a microscope. Try this for a week. Come home from work. Spend time with your kids, don't even interact with her except pleasantries. If she asks about your day "Oh it was okay." Things like that. After the kids are down for the night, go to the gym. Go hangout with a friend. Go to the shooting range. Go kick around a store. Try that for a week or two.

180s, take everything you are learning and apply it to become a better person. Work on your reactions. IE try not to react. Work on your demeanor. No sad or down or angry or resentful. Be upbeat. Pleased. Fulfilled. Happy even! (One thing that helped in my sitch is my W was being silly. Normally I'd ignore it. Or snap at her. Or in some other way show my disapproval. But I started repeating her silliness, to myself. And the said outloud, "That's funny!" and chuckled. My W literally turned to me. Stared at me, and said "Who are you?". The effect it had on her was profound! It was a real turning point in my sitch.)

And detachment is so key! Especially to the demeanor above. You can fake it, but eventually it becomes who you are! And guess what Scott, even if you turn your sitch around, you need to be detached in your marriage! Google: self-differentiation in marriage To me detachment, lovingly and healthily, also known as self-differentiation, is a key to happy, healthy, successful marriage. When identify too much as "so-and-so's husband" rather than our how individual that happens to be married to so-and-so, we lose who we are. We become caught up in looking to that person for our happiness and fulfillment. And NO ONE wants that kind of responsibility. Anyone would crack under the weight of responsibility for someone else's happiness. Love demands that you do not put that on your W.

In short, you need to focus on you! DB to save yourself. The side-effect might be that you save your marriage. (Notice, "might", there are no guaranees, and you should have no expectations).