[SteveLW]

I would add that in yesterday’s conversation I took the criticism non defensively an listened with empathy. I really focused on being careful not to critique, to be aware of my emotions and hers and to keep them in check to stay out of non productive cycles. It was good that we could have a potentially charged conversation without escalation.

But all day long I’ve been trying to figure out how in the world she thinks I put myself ahead of her and the kids. I wish we had a rwfereree who could make these calls because i want to call extreme BS on that one.

Believe nothing she says, and only half of what she does. She is gaslighting you with the "you put yourself above me and the kids." More on this later.

WASs always blame the LBS. For everything. You have to learn to stop taking her words as daggers to the heart. Because when you do it shows in every action, reaction, facial expression, body language, and tone of voice. You may think you took the criticism non-defensively.....but did you really?

Scott, I have to be honest with you. This is what i see. You come to the board for advice. Get lots of good advice, then leave the board and do the exact opposite, then wonder why you feel like crap.

I like that you went to the gym. But why did you wait so late? GAL isn't waiting until you can fall asleep due to an interaction, and then go to the gym. Imagine if you had been at the gym earlier? Then the interaction never would have occurred. Which should be your goal each night! What can I do tonight to avoid an R talk?

Remember, NEVER initiate a R talk (which sounds like you did). And if she does, you listen and validate. "Oh, so I hear you saying that you feel that I am putting too high a priority on myself, and not on the kids and you." See that, you heard. Repeated. Showed that you understood her feelings. But what you didn't do is agree or disagree.

And what the heck was the "you don't care that I had a tough day!" bit? Let me ask you a question.......do you think that was attractive or unattractive to her? Scott, you have a WAW, maybe even a WW. You have to drop all expectations. Your W has had an EA, said and done things that show she is not into the MR, and yet you keep expecting her to be and do all the things that a loving, committed W is. We have a name for that around here: denial. You are in denial about how close to the end of your marriage you are right now. You even came here asking "can't I just tell her to snap out of it?" If that were how easy it were this forum wouldn't exist. MWD would be working in a different field and we wouldn't have books like DB and DR.

Here is the thing Scott: THERE IS NO MAGIC PILL. There is, as you said, patience. Long-suffering. Putting in the work. For you it is an easy formula: GAL. 180s (self-improvements). Detachment.

Right now you are failing on all three. You certainly aren't GAL like you should. Your goal should be to be busy. When you get home spend all of your home time with the kids. Otherwise you are out doing things. Gym. Hanging with buddies. Etc. You certainly are not sitting around with her having discussions that lead to cheeseless tunnels. 180s. You come here, get advice then go do the exact opposite of that advice. I have to assume that all this reading you are doing, you absorb, then turnaround and make no application to your life from the learnings. I mean, that is what you are doing with the advice here. And detachment. Wow, not even close. "you don't care that I had a tough day!" REALLY? Do you know how unhealthy it is for you to expect a woman that has fired you as her H to care about your day? Scott, you have to get to a place where you are emotionally and mentally even, no matter what her words or actions are.

And do not let her gaslighting you over the "you put yourself ahead of me and the kids" prevent you from GAL. When home, make it ALL about your kids. Put them first after God. Forget her for now. She has removed herself from your life. That is why her saying what she said is gaslighting. She is making you feel crazy. "I don't want you as my H anymore. Oh, and why are you putting yourself ahead of me?" See how illogical that is???

Now I am not saying all of this to hurt you. I am saying because I see hope in your situation. Your W is still there. She is checked out but she is still there. If you can turnaround your approach you have a good chance of saving your MR. Keep learning, but also apply what you learn to your actions! Become the best ScottB you can be. Become the spouse only a fool would leave.

But "you don't care that I had a tough day!" ain't it.....................