[Pommy99]

I would add that in yesterday’s conversation I took the criticism non defensively an listened with empathy. I really focused on being careful not to critique, to be aware of my emotions and hers and to keep them in check to stay out of non productive cycles. It was good that we could have a potentially charged conversation without escalation.

But all day long I’ve been trying to figure out how in the world she thinks I put myself ahead of her and the kids. I wish we had a rwfereree who could make these calls because i want to call extreme BS on that one.

Scott, you and I are both in the same situation with WAS’ but equally what you say about your wife really resonates with me. H and I went through several bad years where I constantly felt I was priority 3/4/5 on his list. At the time I wouldn’t have really been able to articulate why I felt like that or exactly what he was doing wrong. Looking back now, I can see that I had lost all connection with myself, I was trapped in an identity called “mum”. My H abandoned me every week to work away - it might only have been 1-3 nights, but still I was left at home with 2 young children and a full time job. All the school pickups, docs appts, etc was left to me. When H got home he was tired from travelling, wanted to see his friends, go out on his bike for 6 hrs etc. Nowhere did I get scheduled in, and because the children were young we didn’t get much time together anyway. I threw myself into my kids - they gave me unconditional love, I didn’t have to fight for it. Do you have a similar setup? My H would ‘helpfully’ tell me to go and ride my bike or go shopping for the day, which he thought was what I wanted, to give me a break, but what I wanted was time with him (don’t think I realised that at the time because paradoxically I resented him and didn’t want to spend time with him). When I made noises about him sitting on the sofa while I was cleaning he’d jump to attention. Now I realise that I didn’t really want him to join me in “mum mode” , I wanted him to take me away from that and put me in wife mode! I wish he’d said “get your coat, we’re going for a drink”. I know that’s not easy with children. You do sound like you have a lot of interests and a demanding job, perhaps this is where GAL may backfire a little. She’s wanted you to put her first but now DB says not to. This is where you need to understand her needs-she probably doesn’t know herself, she’s possibly lost connection with herself. Does she have a fulfilling life outside of work/family?