Good evening, everyone. Here I am reflecting on the last week, I suppose.
H was home nearly every night, which hasn’t been the case in months. He engaged me a few times to share brief bits about his work/activities and offered me some of the food he’d bought for himself—in other words, it was a friendly H week. Nothing to do with me, since I keep my PMA and behavior toward H consistent from week to week. I will never know what’s going on in his head or why his habits change when they do, but it is interesting to observe his moods around me go up and down, independent of my actions.
I noticed I was in a bad mood/funk for a couple of days. I acknowledged it and it passed. One thing I’m working on for me is to cut myself slack on my days off when I feel like I’m not being productive enough (yard work, job search, other to-do list items), or when I get home from work and “just” read, cook, watch Netflix, or sit with the cats. I used to feel like I was doing something wrong if I was home when H was at night—he should wonder what I’m doing and all that. But I think that was another form of pretzeling myself for him. Living with an MLCer (or whatever H is) while striving for empathy and calm over reactiveness and anger, living with and through BD—all that is tiring work.
I have always been happy spending time by myself, spending time at home, and GAL doesn’t have to mean partying all night like H has tended to do post-BD. I got a haircut and spent an evening with a friend and felt content. (I wonder if H ever feels quiet contentment now when he’s alone. His busy schedule means he doesn’t have to spend much time alone, of course.) If I was out every night and H, for example, never saw me watching TV, would he suddenly second-guess his desire to D? I would rather spend my time the way I want instead of worrying about how H sees x or y. I am trying to listen when my body and mind want quiet and rest.
