Stranger In My House

[may22]

Hi HesAble,

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and totally get how hard this all must be. I would offer a few thoughts/suggestions for you to take or leave:

-- For me, the wondering is harder than the knowing. Can you put yourself in the situation of him basically being gone all the time? Would that be better or worse?

-- I think you had mentioned an IC appointment this week... dealing with the cons above, he/she may have some suggestions for you to help deal with your anxiety when he is out. I just feel like THAT is a big part of the issue-- how you can manage your anxiety whether he is in the house or not. If it is going to be significantly easier for you to get that together and detach if he's out of the picture, then that seems like the right choice. If you think you can stop worrying about it no matter where he is, then maybe no need to be the one to make him leave.

-- If you were reading about this exact same sitch on someone else's thread, what would your advice be to them?

-- the kids thing is the big kicker for me and, I think, what is keeping me from booting my H out the door. What would it take for you to be OK with telling them down the line at some point that you feel comfortable with yourself that you did everything you could to give them what they deserve and gave it your best fight? Can you imagine that conversation with your kids in a few years? Or, what would you advise to someone else in your sitch in terms of being able to lose the guilt about not trying hard enough for them? What is the line he cannot cross?

-- just like you have thought through the pros and cons of having him stay despite his behavior, can you think through the pros and cons of asking him to leave? What does that look like once he is out? Can you visualize it? What would be different/better? What would be worse? Sometimes I think really picturing it and thinking through all the ins and outs of how it would work might help take away some of the fear of that option. (I'm working on this too.)

-- what other positive things you can do to take back your power? The IC and seeing a lawyer to figure out your rights both seem terrific. Other things to protect yourself ?

-- if nothing else, can you ask him to stick to some sort of schedule so that you can GAL on your own? Or say to him hey H, can you watch the kids xxx night starting at 7 pm (or whatever)? Have you tried that?

I am definitely of the opinion that these decisions are best made once you can clear some of the emotion out of it. I know it is super hard and easier said than done. My H called me today to go over schedules and is tentatively planning his next trip to the AP's city in mid-Feb. He knows this is going to be a watershed for me, as in he's probably moving to the basement when he gets back from it unless I can be convinced she's out of the picture by then (unlikely)... and yet in the same conversation put dates on my calendar for friends to visit in April who "are probably staying in the basement." I get it and feel all those same emotions and anxieties you're dealing with, the struggle to be sure you're living up to your own values and doing the right things by the kids when he's just NOT, how do you take back power and respect without booting his a$$ to the curb. But, the last thing you want is to regret the decisions you're making now once your head is clearer.

Hang in there.