This was a very very mild example of the sort of conversations we have almost daily. H raises a problem. I either don't think it's a problem, or I think if it's a problem it is down to him to make a suggestion, or I agree it is a problem and make a suggestion as to how to fix it, and nothing changes, or he loses interest in the matter almost immediately. When I have asked him what he needs from me he says he wants me to care about his feelings. Me telling him verbally I care about his feelings doesn't seem to matter. I believe he wants me to change his feelings. He seems to be under the impression I am capable of that, and of course I am not so when his bad feelings don't go away, he gets to be annoyed at me about that.
Notes to myself, really. I've re-read this thread and noticed how positive the conversations we were having during the summer were. There was much less of the type of dynamic that I picked apart above. We seem to have slipped back into that again, and I think slipping back into it made me more wary and defensive, more angry and withdrawn and unwilling to validate or show empathy to him, and made him more critical and blamey and moaney. I do remember being blown away by how positively we were communicating in the summer. I think both of us sensed things were slipping backwards in the communication.
