This is my weekly update, as sort-of suggested by Yail. I am finding that very helpful - both as a way of measuring progress but also not getting so getting caught up in the daily detail of normal life that I don't step back and take a wider view.

So, overall it has been a good week. There was a little bit of conflict around a piece of paperwork that we needed to complete together. I was tense and expecting conflict as he didn't want to do it and I was driving it as it needed to be done. I was worried he was going to say I was nagging or controlling him, and when he was grumpy I over-reacted. He didn't react particularly well to my over-reaction. Our anxieties seemed to be feeding each other and after a fairly minor squabble there was a day or two of quite polite frostiness until we had a conversation about it (more on that later). It seems that more and more often our minor disputes are about us bringing the past into the present.

There have been no instances at all of verbal abuse, weird mocking behaviours, unpleasantness with the children, snide remarks etc. Even when we had words over the paperwork, he was a bit grumpy and difficult, but then again, so was I. Neither of us were abusive in that instance: just childish (me too). I've felt a little more secure now the 1 year since BD and move out day has passed and I think that anxiety easing has made things a little calmer for both of us. I notice he's volunteering a lot more information about his life - just his day to day goings on at work, how he's feeling about things, what his plans are - and retaining the information I give him about my life and even asking follow up questions. That's new and welcome.

So: this conversation. I actually approached him (bad D-Bing) to try and sort out the atmosphere that had crept in after our words earlier in the week. It kind of spiralled into a very very long and difficult conversation about the state of the R more generally, and what we wanted, and how it was all going since he moved back in. It was difficult. Very difficult. I was tearful at times and he was quite harsh at times but I kept control of myself and so did he. I guess I will summarise.

[list]
[*]he told me the full truth about his EA. It was broadly as I suspected, with some additional details I didn't know that I found quite hurtful to hear, though I don't believe his motivation was to hurt me, but to be honest.
[*]he spoke to me quite clearly and without blaming or critical language about how he felt when I had PND and how he didn't think I'd ever appreciate how difficult that time was for him
[*]how he was afraid all the time of things slipping back to how they were
[*]I shared how difficult I found him to communicate with because of how often he criticises and blames without actually saying clearly what he feels and what he wants and I didn't think we could repair things unless he could speak up for himself without whining (I did use that actual term, which might have been a mistake but he did laugh)
[*]I also said it was extremely difficult for me to feel safe in our marriage given that he seemed reluctant to take full responsibility for his shortcomings and abusive behaviours and his attitude seemed to be that he was justified in them
[*]I said I wasn't willing to commit to reconciling with him when what was offered was a relationship where he felt justified, in some circumstances, in being verbally or emotionally abusive or in lying to me - that what I needed to know was that we were on the same page and there were never any justifications from those behaviours
[*]he said he needed to know he would be able to move on from the past and not have it constantly hanging over him and brought up in every argument and he felt he couldn't even make a minor mistake in signing a form (our argument about the paperwork) without feeling that I was actually reacting to every bad thing he'd done in the past
[*]I said I needed to know there were no more secrets, and that nothing new was going to creep out of the woodwork in months or years to come regarding his EA or anything else that had happened relevant to our relationship while we had been separated

So we talked all this through for a good long time and ended by making an agreement that we would no longer bring up the past in day to day conversation (though that still might happen with an MC) and that we would both try to respond 'in the moment' rather than assuming what the other person was thinking or feeling and acting based on that. We both agreed that it would be difficult to break old habits and overcome insecurities and we would seek help on this, give each other some grace, and try to help each other.

I don't know if I am explaining this very well. it wasn't so much 'we will sweep all this under the carpet' but more, 'we will have to talk about this in a more solution focused way, looking forward together, rather than just rehearsing the reasons we have both been unhappy about things' and that felt very positive to me.

Some of the things he shared with me about his EA were very difficult for me to hear. There was more contact between them than I had discovered. it was a long time ago now, and there is no current contact between them and hasn't been for some time. He offered total transparency on his phone and computer but I didn't take him up on that. I don't want to be that kind of person. And it means nothing anyway - he could very easily have a second phone or only see her in person and there is no amount of checking that will make a person honest and faithful if they do not want to be. I don't want him faithful because he's worried about getting caught, is what I told him. What was more important to me was that he agreed that he didn't want to be in a relationship where there was justifications for lying. I don't yet trust he will consistently live up to that (and I did say that to him), but I do believe that he meant it when he said it.

Since then things have been very good. There's been a lightness. Less fear. More fun and affection. I've felt less on my guard. I have had moments of sadness mulling over the things he's told me about his EA. The details were old news to him, but new to me. It hurts a bit. I haven't brought it up to him but I haven't pretended to be happy when I am not. He has been kind without being smothering. I guess we're doing a lot of this non-verbally. Which seems to work a bit better for him. He has also seemed happier and more motivated to say what he wants in small ways. I still have GAL and he still has none and that is his business, I suppose, though he's been easier on Eldest in the past few days and I've actually seem them laughing together a few times.

I guess my question is - from anyone who has experience or who has been reading my threads - whether they think this is positive or if I am deluding myself, and what my next steps should be? I want to talk to my IC (tomorrow) about body language, and anger, and boundaries again. I think I do still feel very angry at him and I don't know if it is humanly possible for me to put all that in the past and move on from it. I would like to find solutions with him and I feel more hopeful that it is possible to find those solutions and redesign a life together that suits us both (or perhaps find out clearly that we aren't compatible any more) and perhaps the days of getting mired in him attacking and criticising and blaming and me pacifying and placating or getting upset or defending myself or avoiding him are in the past. Time will tell I guess.