what DB approaches are right for me?

[oceangrl]

I ABSOLUTELY know that I had rose colored glasses on at the beginning of this. He was the perfect guy (gag) and I made excuse after excuse for his behavior. I chased and pursued, begged and pleaded, tried to convince, basically everything you are not supposed to do. The lenses on those glasses have definitely finally cracked with the realities I am seeing. The selfishness, the prioities, etc. I am last on the list. He complains he does not feel connected to me and doesn't feel passionate feelings for me. Well A., I am not an affair and cannot compare with that. B. he is getting out what he has put into this.

At times I feel angry and done with his selfish behavior and think, "fine, go on and get out of here if you are so sure you can do better than me." Then at other times I think 20+ years and three kids, and I believe we could create something joyful.

Oceangirl I could have written this myself. In fact I see myself in most of your posts! I too am wearing rose-tinted specs about how great he is, because for much of our M I have been number 3/4/5 on his list behind his ego, his car, his job etc. But like you, I do feel we could have something great again, but maybe that’s just a fantasy, as much as his ‘get D but be best friends’ fantasy is!

I feel the same about how he interacts with the kids, is it right to feel almost jealous when he tells them he loves and misses them? And now I’ve seen the “I love you” txt to the EAP I am even more hurt at how easy it is to say ILY to others but obvs not to me.

Like you, I am struggling with the concept of detachment when his issue is being unable to connect with me. I’m trying to memorise Steve’s comments that it’s about being attentive and validating when he speaks, but not to go to him. Nighttime is hardest for me because for the last year we have always gone to bed with cuddles, kisses, holding hands in the night, and now it’s stopped. It wasn’t necessarily me who initiated it either.

I’m also trying to acknowledge that detachment will be healthier in the long run regardless of outcome of the R.

Keep strong! X

Yes, it is incredibly hard to fight those rejection/jealous feelings. My husband is not in an A any longer, but I still have the memory of all their photos and sappy emails to each other.

I was seriously torturing myself for awhile with the absolute rejection and loneliness of having him show the affection I craved so badly right in front of me to my kids. What has helped me, is to stop myself in those thoughts right away. Otherwise, I head down a dark tunnel of discouragement that affects my ability to be my best self in front of him. i had to recognize that I was giving it way too much power over my life.

I had a therapist once say to me, "if you took your power back, if all that energy was focused on you, what would you do with it?" So I started thinking, what would I do with my time if I weren't focusing on him? Because I have been doing that too much, and that's when I feel the worst.

So when he does that I still am laughing, have a big smile on my face, if they are walking in front of me I still try to put a confident spring in my step, and I also think to myself how sad it is. That it's about him not me.

I think to myself, he may not choose me, but I choose me. I'm awesome. I'm smart, beautiful, funny, I have great people in my life. And that makes the mental difference for me. Otherwise, I start feeling more and more desperate and want to revert to my pursuing and pressure ways.