Yeah I feel like I keep bouncing around between both empathy and tough love although I've tended to side with empathy. I'm pretty sure it's mental illness and she keeps mentioning depression herself and looking after her mental health. I have a few acquaintances removed from our mutual circle who are in the health field and they also are convinced there is mental illness.
It's also quite possible that it's both and the mental illness was the trigger for an OM (in reality I don't think there is currently an OM but there may have been at the beginning of our sitch - but still never a confirmation of anything).
What I struggle with is why can't she work on herself and still be with me and our son? Why can't we be a family and support her through this? Why does she have to do everything on her own? If she just said listen H I have a lot going on that I'm dealing with but I do hope and want our family to remain intact and I want us to be together I just need time to sort myself out and deal with some things....then this would be much easier. But that's not how things work I guess.
Very difficult.
J - I am going through something similar, where I believe it's mental illness adjacent, and have those same thoughts all of the time about why he needs to be away from me to work out his stuff. My H has also said he doesn't want to give me false hope b/c he thinks he's mostly out but he knows his feelings can change, amongst some other stuff below.
I am glad to hear your W is going to IC, though. My H has been going since before BD.
It's really tough because you are in a different phase of the processing than she is. I recently read an article that discussed being with your partner when they aren't meeting your needs. It focused on digging deep and finding compassion for them, and the likely reason they can't show up for you emotionally is because they can't show up for themselves emotionally, either. It went on to discuss how part of moving forward is figuring out if you're OK fulfilling your own needs while your partner works alongside you to unblock whatever it is that's going on. While I found this article helpful, the "working alongside" phrase is what hit a nerve - that's the part that hurts; to not work alongside. In my situation, H does have moments of clarity and admits that he is emotionally volatile, and is trying to calm that part down because he knows it would cause him to overanalyze things to our detriment. I don't know what other kind of mental goalposts he has put up for himself; I haven't asked because I doubt he knows anyhow. Hopefully your W's IC can help her move forward to that, and realize that she can work on herself without isolation.
