what DB approaches are right for me?

[oceangrl]

Sorry you are here, but it is a good place to vent and get support. I could have written the language quoted above. I have supported my husband through some very tough times (including infidelity, financial issues, and even him having been in trouble with the law) but he has clearly forgotten my loyalty. "Standing by my man" has gotten me nothing but a huge slap in the face.

My H also gets "love" from the kids. He is so affectionate to them, but sometimes will not even say a word to me or even look at me. We have been intimate a few times since the BD two months ago, but even that is different; it is like being intimate with a stranger almost.

My H is definitely trying to pressure me into agreeing to a divorce. He is tormenting me so that I have come very close to throwing in the towel, but folks here like job and sandi2 have talked me down "off the ledge." He has sent me information on "amicable divorces" by mutual agreement. I think he wants to tell family, friends, and business colleagues who have worked with both of us that we both decided to get a D. As mean as he is to me nowadays, he has a reputation in our town of being a "good guy." If we cannot reconcile and have to get a D, I will be (1) getting a lawyer and (2) making it clear that this was not my choice. I have made it clear to him that I absolutely do not want a D and I truly believe this is the reason he has been so angry, spent many nights away from home without letting me know where he is, shuts himself in the basement for the few hours he does spend at home, etc. He does not want to be seen by others as the bad guy, but shows me on a quite regular basis that he is truly indeed the "bad guy." I never knew he could be so mean-spirited. He also lacks compassion and empathy, and I actually do believe he is a narcissist now that I have read up on narcissistic tendencies. When he wanted me, he was so lovable and affectionate; now that he does not want me, he has tossed me to the side like a disposable dirty rag.

Yes, our stories seem so similar. What you are saying really resonates with me. This forum, in just a few days, has already become so valuable to me because I feel less crazy and I don't feel so alone anymore. It helped me to be happy last night and detach and appreciate myself. I felt so much more supported.

I agree that your and my husband would like to divorce with the least possible trouble and consequence. To just say, "we tried hard but just fell out of love and couldn't make it work. My husband will plan something in his head and then be angry when I have a different opinion or don't want to go along with it. Before, I would back down because I wanted to please him. I thought if I showed how easy going or nice I was it would make a difference and he would want me. As you can imagine, that never worked. Not once. I had to learn the hard way about boundaries and advocating for myself. And I do believe you need a lawyer. Not to be nasty, but to make sure you understand how the system can work, to advocate for your and your children's future. My husband honestly thinks we can get divorce but still be like best friends and hang out and talk. ??? While I don't have a desire to be bitter or play games, I would not want to be best friends. Sometimes I feel like I live on Planet Crazy and he is the mayor.

I agree also with the realization that we do romanticize our spouses, and forget that we were unhappy also. It's good to remember their good points and why we fell for them, but not to turn it into something unhealthy. That doesn't do either one of us any favors.