It sounds like he doesn't want to - or isn't ready to - to work on your marriage. Perhaps he doesn't even want to be married.
I don't even think it's a matter of want or not want to. I read somewhere that once you say something you are going to do something out loud you are 50% more likely to do it. I am not sure how they came up with the figure, but it has a ring of truth to it. It took my H a long time to make the decision to leave (6 mths btw BD and moving out, and he was pretty dreadful the 12 months before that, so I suspect 18 months). Once he'd left it was just a case of one foot in front of the other and silencing doubts with "I can't do that to the children again". Unconsciously I suspect he is unable to come back because it goes against his narrative - we can't fix this, I am the bad one, he did everything he could - and he looks for evidence that his narrative is correct. This is why he is so quick to criticise.
Does he want to be married? A friend came around yesterday and reminded me someone had seen his profile on a dating site last year. Strangely, I had completely forgotten ?!?!? It made me sad, not for me, but for him. It doesn't matter in the greater sense of things - he can do what he likes, and I was experimenting with OLD at the time. But I know the mental gymnastics he would have had to do to rationalise being on there - because he wouldn't have been able to admit he was lonely. So does he want to be married, the answer is probably not, and definitely not to me, but I do know he wants to feel needed.
Side note: It strangely made me kind of happy too as it meant he has not found anyone. Unlike many here, there was no PA or EA in my sitch. Just a man who was desperately unhappy being encouraged (by idiots) that the grass was greener on the other side. Well it isn't. The grass is greener where you water it.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
I am still finding it extremely hard to say I am 100% committed to repairing our marriage, but I don't want a divorce either.
I think this was the case with my H for a long time. One road is difficult, you have to face truths, make compromises, and even then there is still no guarantee. The other road is easier as you don't have to do anything - it has a life of its own and eventually you will find yourself D. He was not 100% committed to leaving. But he was more committed to leaving than he was to staying and really, that's all it took.
In the same way, I don't think you have to be 100% committed to repairing your M. But you have to be more committed to your M than you are to getting D.
The threats do stem from fear. His statements are illogical and stupid. I know that and (when he has quieted down) he knows and I think he hates himself for it. But, this feeds into the I can't go back narrative - I make him hate himself. I make him be the bad guy. He has been unusually nice the last few days. When he dropped the kids off yesterday, he even offered to walk and then walk our dog. Normally he would have a go at me for not washing her, make a big show of doing it, and then state he was sticking around to walk the dog. This is what he does when he knows he has stepped over the line. But, given the current tensions, I imagine there will be more threats in my near future. I need to brace myself for it.
He has from what I can tell, given the separation due thought. He has presented a number of proposals (albeit on text) for childcare and the house and a reiteration of "not speaking to solicitors". He started to question me yesterday about whether I agreed or not and when I said I was still considering it, he started on about "we need to formalise this and get a legal separation document together". I just said I would respond fully via email - I got a cold look and then he left. So, in answer to your question, "Does he want to be married", well apparently not to me. But I still don't think it's a matter of want or not want. It just is. Momentum (slow as Harvey points out) but the trajectory hasn't changed.
The blaming and snide remarks - our H's sound exactly alike. I've started to do the same as you. I also mentioned it in the counselling session but I am not sure I framed it right as it came across more like whining "You don't help when you blah blah blah". I need to work on it more.
