Wedding bands On or Off during MLC

[DnJ]

Hello A

It appears like W has settled down a little bit. Even reconnecting with the dog. Four or five days of a sort of calm to the point of asking you along when she did some chores. Then back to monster for a few days and repeat.

These monster episodes always initiate her starting an R talk, one the issues she brings up is she wants to tell the kids about our separation.

I would stop engaging in these R talks. Just say “I am sorry you feel that way.” She is looking for justifications to leave, run, continue her fantasy. Also she might be working on talking herself into things. No need for you to prop up her divorce plan/fantasy.

...she wanted to have an R talk, specifically what a D would look like as far as living arrangements and she also wants to let the kids know we are separated after Christmas. She seemed a tiny bit emotional while talking and when I asked her if she was sure if a D is what she wanted because she has never actually said the word (except saying she wants a trial separation) she just said well I don't see us having more than just a platonic relationship. I asked her one more time a little bit later and she said well she wants to tell the kids so...

Again - “Sorry you feel that way.”

Asking her, twice, to see if she is really sure of her feelings is not validating. Of course she’s not sure, but she doesn’t want you to tell her or point that out. She would bring up - see you never listen to me - for example.

Just validate her view. Not need to further it with discussions she cannot hear right now.

You’ve ask interesting questions. I’ll start with the second one.

I do not want to pursue the sale of house because its the best thing for the kids to not move. However, if my wife is cake eating how do I express to her that I am not OK with that, without causing a huge fight?

First off, yes it would be best for the kids not to move.

Your idea to rent a bigger place so W can stay when it is her time for custody, sounds counterproductive to that end. Unless you divorce and cannot keep the house I see no reason it must be sold.

I am guessing that you are ok standing and moving forward. And do not want to sell the house.

W is talking about being roommates for the next year. Validate and see what happens. Also get yourself back in the master bedroom. Something along the lines of “I agree we could live under the same roof. I’m going to move back into the bedroom.”

Do not use roommate in that discussion. Do not agree to be a roommate. There is also no need to explain why you are moving back into the master bedroom, nor say anything like she is free to move to the basement if she chooses. Let her be, and you do what you stated.

Now, cake eating is another matter. I want to be sure you and I are in the same page. Cake eating means the spouse is having sex with someone else, and still you. That is a situation you don’t want to enable. You cannot stop her; you can only control yourself.

If she is cake eating than no more sex from you. Boundary! MLCers are like teenagers and have zero empathy. They like having two people fight over them. They need to grow up, so they need boundaries. Remove yourself from her equation, give her space and time, and lots of it.

As for not wanting to cause a huge fight over cake eating. Stick to your stated boundary and become indifferent to her. Your not being ok with it will be obvious.

If she is not cake eating so much the better. Time will tell. And yes keep expectations to zero.

When we tell the kids should we be 100% honest and I should expect my wife to state that she is leaving me? Or do I generalize things more with so it seems like a mutual decision and maybe easier for the kids to swallow?

My kids are 8, 11, 12, and fourteen. The younger two I do not believe realize what is going on, while the older two (from an overheard convo) believe the wife and I are having money issues and is the reason why I am sleeping in the basement.

Kids are much more perceptive than we usually give them credit for. The younger two, along with the two older ones, probably already know more or less what’s goes on; and I’m pretty sure they all talk.

To start with, do not expect anything particular from W. It is rare that someone takes the blame (credit ?) for breaking up a family. My XW is somewhat of a rarity in that, and a few other regards. I don’t see your W at that level of desperate destruction. Still it matters little, you cannot count on what W might, or might not, say.

It is best to be honest with your children. This affect them greatly, and they need answers. Your query of being 100% honest is open to interpretation. Age appropriate is needed and honest can be looked at as there is nothing that you need to lie about. You can disclose as questions come up, instead of the other way around.

Children can lead questions so age appropriate becomes easier as they ask further questions based upon the truthful answers they have received. And there will be further questions. That is a good thing.

From my experience the MLCer will state stuff and that will be the end of it. Everyone should get over it and move on, happy for the new life the MLCer has chosen. You know better, life doesn’t move like that. There will be lots of follow up, and you will most likely be the one answering those questions.

What to tell the kids the first time, is a stressful thing. You get a say in what to tell them the first time. And you, contrary to W, do not need to get it all out there the first time. You want and expect further questions. So, what to tell can be thought in less stressful terms because you can start small and build from there. And that is the best approach anyhow.

If W (Mom) is leaving then that needs to be stated. The first provided reason can and should be something like - “Mom and I are have some troubles and we need some time apart. We both love you guys very much, and this has nothing to to with any of your four guys. It is between Mom and me. I know you all have questions, and you can always ask me anything you like.” Open the door to further questions which will bring further details.

If you and W are staying under the same roof, then the need to break the ice is not there. Mom is not leaving, and her feelings about leaving are not needed to be knowing to the children at this time.

I suspect the kids have been asking a few questions. Even just about the sleeping arrangements. Something to consider, regardless if W stays or leaves.

Kids are egocentric, the world revolves around them. You need to assure them this is not their fault. In breakups or serious in-house problems they will ask about blame, affairs, adultery, and so on. It is really amazing just how inquisitive a young mind is, and how much more grown up they really are. Be honest with them. They need answer to their questions.

Do not demonize their other parent. Demonstrate kindness and compassion to their Mom, they are watching and will learn it as well.

A big thing in all this is that kids need to grieve, accept, and forgive just like you. It does them no good to harbour a grudge against their Mom. It is difficult, probably impossible, to find acceptance and forgiveness for something you don’t even know about. We all need a certain level of understanding to move forward.

Hope that helps.

Stay strong and live in the light.

DnJ