Tonight I spent some quality time with the kids. H is missing out on so much bonding time with his children In just 4-1/2 years, D13 will likely be going off to college or moving out to pursue some other venture.
H stays out until late most nights (and many times he is out all night). I truly believe there is some OW but I do not have proof. When H comes in (if he comes home at all), he usually spends 10 minutes or less (usually less) with the kids, then he goes straight to the basement where he hides out until the next morning.
What upsets me most is that I feel like he is tormenting me to force me to agree to the divorce he wants. Has he ever loved me or was it all an act?
I am praying for strength to deal with this long term because it is very difficult to see now how I will be able to endure the emotional turmoil. Spending some time this evening to read some more of my DR book.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/11/2003:51 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Many of you say getting off the emotional roller coaster ride is a CHOICE. Well, I keep choosing to get off only to find myself right back on. I have an appointment with my IC this week. Hopefully I can talk through some of this with her. I am really so grateful for this board where I can come to vent when I need to.
H stayed out all night for the third night this week. I really do need to go see a lawyer. This is starting to seem like a hopeless situation.
If I am honest, another thing I am battling with is the urge to go out and find myself an OM. Partly because I am lonely and hurt but also partly because I feel like it would help me move on faster. I know, I know...It would just result in more pain eventually and would not be a smart move. I am a very spiritual person and know adultery is wrong, so it is driving me crazy that these kinds of thoughts are tormenting me, but this is my safe place to be honest so I am putting what I am feeling out there.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/11/2002:25 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I am so sorry that he's still out at night...it's hard to determine if he's out w/his buddies or w/OW. We can't assume anything, but can you smell alcohol on him or his clothes? Any other strange odors on the clothes, i.e., perfume? Does he have difficulty looking you in the eye when he sees you or acts guilty around you?
Many of them are cowards and won't leave on their own, but they don't have an issue pushing our buttons to make us angry enough that we put them out. Maybe he is trying to push your buttons and bait you into an argument.
Please take some time and make a list of questions that you want to ask a lawyer. It does not hurt to find out what your options are. If you aren't ready to file, don't allow the lawyer to push you into doing so.
I wouldn't recommend bringing a third party into the mix right now. The thing is, if you go out and start dating and if your h is doing it, he will think it is okay to continue doing what he is doing if there is an OW in the picture. Best to wait until the separation/divorce papers are filed and only then, you are sure you want to go through w/a divorce. I know you are lonely, but you can always have several friends get together and go out as a group.
Yes, this is your safe place to come vent and ponder things and hopefully doing so will help you clear your head.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am so sorry that he's still out at night...it's hard to determine if he's out w/his buddies or w/OW. We can't assume anything, but can you smell alcohol on him or his clothes? Any other strange odors on the clothes, i.e., perfume? Does he have difficulty looking you in the eye when he sees you or acts guilty around you?
Many of them are cowards and won't leave on their own, but they don't have an issue pushing our buttons to make us angry enough that we put them out. Maybe he is trying to push your buttons and bait you into an argument.
He is absolutely one of the biggest cowards I have ever met. He gave me the DB by text. He could not even tell me to my face.
He has difficulty looking me in the eye when he sees me and acts very guilty. That has improved a little but there have definitely been mornings when he came in and tried to avoid me. Often he comes in so late in the morning that I have already left for work or to take kids to an extracurricular activity; therefore, many times I dont have an opportunity to see if he smells like alcohol or perfume. The few times I have smelled him, there was some alcohol on his breath and he was wearing lots of cologne, but I could not smell perfume.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Oh, yeah he's guilty all right of something. It might be because of the drinking and staying out late, but I would continue to observe him. When they can't look at you, that is guilty and shame and they know that they've done something wrong. Just like kids do something wrong and can't look at mom when she walks in the room.
I'm not the least bit surprised by the BD being done by text. They are just plain cowards.
How I finally confirmed that there was a third party in my marriage were the receipts I found in his clothes as well as cleaning out his car one day. I happened to be cleaning out his car one day and there was this McDonald's bag punched up on the floor board with $200 in it and there were receipts for something purchased from CVS and several Christmas cards, a stuffed Rudolph Reindeer and some cheap jewelry from the local department store. Dumb me, threw the receipts away and when I told my mother about it...she said did those out of your trash and save them and go to CVS to find out what he purchased. Well, I knew the staff at the local CVS and I had no problem asking them what that one item was...the person looked at me and said...you don't know what this is? I said no...it was for some new condoms that had come on the market. Well, that just did it for me. I kept those receipts and just waited for the proper time to confront him about them and I did several weeks ago when he came to the residence for his black trash bag luggage.
Well, my story began long before I found DB, but I seriously doubt that my outcome would have been any different after I became a member here. DB provided me with the tools to make me a better person and how to become a survivor and that is why I am still here today...attempting to pay it forward so that others do not make the same mistakes that I did so long ago.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just praying now that hate does not fill my heart because there will be no love left to reconcile if it ever becomes possible. Seems pretty hopeless right now. Walking by faith not by sight .
Last edited by HesAble; 01/11/2006:01 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I just had to leave the room where my kids are because I broke down crying while on the phone with a friend. She was telling me to stop demeaning myself for H's bad behavior. I was saying how terrible my judgment must be to have chosen this broken, damaged person to be my H. (I did not say this in front of the kids. I was outside of the house initially while they were inside eating, plus we have code words so they cannot figure out what we are saying). I was just walking back into the house when she told me to stop and that this is about him, not me. I had to leave the room but my daughter followed me and is now sitting outside the bathroom while I weep quietly while typing this.
Lord help me! I am really ready today to ask H to just pack his things and leave. Wherever he spends nights maybe he can live there!!!! After he moves, we can begin the divorce process. Someone please talk me off the ledge.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/11/2006:30 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
You are human and we have days when they appear to be too much. Your judgment must not have been all that bad because you are still married and have children w/him. Look, you were happy at one time and now because he's acting out, you can only see the dark side of things. You have to really step back, feel your pain and let it go. You are hurt, disappointed and most of all angry at the moment. Don't make any decisions when you are feeling this way. Make decisions when your emotions are not all over the place. You do not want to say or do anything that you will regret later.
You may end up having to ask him to leave...but if you do, do it in a very calm voice. When my xh was threatening to leave me several times and finally one Sunday he said he was thinking of leaving right after Christmas, my comment at that moment was "whatever". I had to sleep on the next step and work a full time job the next day before I implemented the next step. I grew very tired of his behavior and the threats. So, when I got home that Monday, his lazy self was on the sofa watching TV, dirty dishes all over the kitchen and that did it for me. I told him I needed to talk to him about his comment the day before. The man had forgotten what he said...so, I said that if you want to leave you can go now and not wait until after Christmas. He sat there and cried like a baby and told me he was confused. I walked away and didn't discuss it again w/him. He finally left two weeks later and the tension in my house was gone. Of course, all of this took place before coming here. I spoke to him in a very calm manner and had full eye contact w/him when I opened the door to his cage for freedom and he had to make the decision to either stay or go. Just sharing a bit of my story because people need to understand that when you've had enough, you will know it.
Each person will know when they have had enough. Please, please, do not make any decisions when your emotions are fluctuating. Make your decisions when you are in a calmer place. Trust me, you will be glad you did so.
Hang in there. We are here for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thanks for the reminder. I should not be making life-altering decisions I may regret later while feeling so emotional. I just feel at this point that H does not even deserve reconciliation (if that ever becomes a possibility); he deserves to run head first into the wall he is headed for so he can realize all he has lost. But...my kids deserve an intact family, so I will fight to hold out for them as long as I can. That way, I will not feel the guilt of having given up too soon for their sake (or having broken my vows without giving it my best fight). Sigh. The saga continues. Thanks job.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Today the H-sleeping-in-the-same-house-but-coming-and-going-as-he-pleases thing is wearing on me. I am trying to consider the pros to having him here in spite of his terrible behavior (e.g., coparenting is easier when living in the same home, the kids are somewhat sheltered from how serious our problems are, he can see my 180ing changes more regularly, it gives the opportunity for some intimacy although I do not view it as anything more than meeting needs at this point). I am also feeling tormented due to the cons (e.g., I have a front row seat to see his comings and goings when he stays out all night and sometimes does not come home until late morning/early afternoon, I find myself anxious because his staying out is completely random and I wonder which nights he will be in or out, also home arrival times are random, 3 a.m., 5 a.m., 7 a.m., 8 a.m., 11 a.m., 1 p.m.).
I am starting to wonder if, for my sanity, it may be best for him to find another place if he needs to continue his erratic, unpredictable schedule for staying out. Am I hurting chances for reconciliation by suggesting this to him? I dont want it to appear as an ultimatum and I still hope we can reconcile at some point. It is as if he expected me to shift from wife to platonic roommate overnight after BD and, unfortunately, love does not work that way. He had time to let his feelings dissipate since he claims his wanting a D was not an overnight decision.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
