Nothing new to report really. The same day as my previous post, I asked if we could talk. Since we aren't going to MC, I had some things I wanted to say to him before he went back to his place far away, which was the day after last post. I asked if he would listen, because most of the time, I was listening/validating and not saying much. I'd been pretty quiet about stuff I was going through to him, and I knew he was curious. We spoke for about an hour - I mostly opened up about what I've been doing in IC (this wasn't new info but was way more in depth), about how I fit into what he's going through ( we agreed on how I don't enable him in his people pleasing, how he didn't choose me b/c I fit an abusive archetype and he hasn't typically sought those out anyhow). I did touch on how painful this is for me, but very much underplayed my hand. He genuinely listened, and was thankful at the end that I shared what I shared. He did emphatically say that when he is ready to talk about stuff, he will reach out to me.
The following day I texted him a question about the dog's tags, and he answered it the day after that nicely. I've been giving him space/leaving him alone which generally means N/C, but I also don't hold myself back if I strongly want to say something to him via text. Wednesday I texted "been thinkin about you - the news is scary" (H is military). I felt OK saying this b/c it wasn't related to some deep convo, and I wasn't going to be upset if he didn't reply/engage. The following morning he wrote back "Thanks for telling me that - yes, it is scary and is adding to my (mostly unfounded) dread." I didn't say anything back. I've been crystal clear when we interact that I am here, and I actually do not believe he sees me as plan B of some type. I think he needs to mentally work through whatever he needs to work through whatever obstacles he has before coming back to me (he's said as much, and that seems clear when we interact, but who knows). But, I'll never know for sure. He did say he does not need to work out his entire set of childhood issues to come back - my point to him was that I am sure this will be a long ongoing process re: childhood stuff and that I am here for him.
I did find out that on the 1st, he went and hung out with one of my best friends. I'd suggested he talk to her (she suggested it to me as well) because she had gone through some serious stuff with her boyfriend over the summer and did a lot of work on boundary setting, and some other similar issues, and was able to work through it on her end. So H goes and sees the friend and the friend's BF, and friend tells me later that it was kind of strange - friend has known H for as long as I have. Friend said H was awkward and kind of manic/insecure (this isn't abnormal for him, though), and that friend was just trying to relax/hang out. H immediately asked friend to essentially rip into him about our M/asked advice. Friend set boundary of saying she just wanted to hear how H was doing but nothing about our M.
I do find it odd that H immediately sought friend's advice, and expected/asked for her to yell at him about it. Surely he can reason what friend would say e.g. is on the side of R. After seeing friend this week, she did decide on her own that she will listen/give advice to him (in a small capacity), and friend reached out to H via text on Thursday. H and friend were supposed to talk via phone yesterday, but my H stood her up (glad it's not just me he does this to!). H can get very spirally about his ADHD, and he is in town this weekend for work, so I am sure H will try to get ahold of friend sometime soon, but I don't really expect anything out of this. I don't think he will tell her anything I don't already kind of know - I am more interested in hearing her direct opinion of how he is mentally/her take. Sometimes I am worried I am just in denial/delusional about everything, and hearing her take may help me with that. H also has monthly mtg w/ his boss this weekend (boss is one of my BFFs, too), and usually that involves life advice.
A few of our other mutual friends want to reach out to H - I asked them to not all do this at once so it doesn't look suspicious. H does open up to them and openly ask for advice, and most have said gently to work it out, but ultimately obv that's H's decision and not something he can do until he feels he's mentally ready. I don't even know what he needs to get mentally ready, and I wonder if he himself even knows.
I've been keeping busy and having fun with my friends all week - did something every night so I am taking some much needed alone time on this stormy day.
I am trying to be patient and compassionate, and haven't really struggled with it this week. I have tickets to an orchestra event next weekend, and I'd mentioned it to H over the holidays to see if he wanted to go with me, and he was interested, but I haven't brought it up again yet. I will wait until mid-week. If he doesn't want to go, I can bring a friend. Next weekend is a holiday weekend, so he will probably be in town/can come to town.
I feel stronger about doing this for longer than I thought, but I don't feel grand about it overall. I wish he'd stayed at our house this weekend. I wish this every time he's in town. It's ridiculous and I am tired of wishing for stuff I don't have. I am fortunate to have great friends/job/life etc., at least. I read an article about staying with someone who isn't meeting your needs. It said if you can meet your own needs while working alongside partner who is blocked from being present, then do so. Friend asked how I felt about that. I said marrying someone in the military means having to do that, and knowing that you'll have to, so I am not worried about it - the part that makes this currently hurtful is that we aren't working along side each other; he's choosing to work alone, and make me work alone, too.
