what DB approaches are right for me?

[oceangrl]

First, a little exercise. You mention he has "lots of great qualities"......awesome. Can you list those out for us? Just do a brain dump of all of these awesome qualities he supposedly has.

I think it is important you post a list of all his great qualities. It will help us know what we are dealing with.

Can you do that?

Here is what I have put together so far (I *think* these are qualities):

Very hard worker (although this can veer into workaholic behavior)
Not afraid to take a risk and start a new business or hobby
Tries hard to be a good provider
Tries to eat healthy and take care of his body; exercises
Spends time on his interests (cycling, snowboarding)
Has worked to become a good father (I used to be basically a single parent; see workaholic above)
Will support me in my endeavors and desires
Has worked to be more spiritual and have a better relationship with Higher Power

Ok. This is your list so I won't say these aren't "great" qualities, because to you they may be. That's great.

Objectively though, the first one is both a great and bad one (due the workaholic aspect). I see a couple of "tries". So is he a good provider and is he healthy as you say, or is it just a try? #5, is the appropriate amount of time? Or is that, coupled with working so much, mean that he is gone too much? Then the last one......I am having trouble reconciling that with his behavior towards his wife and his vows.

The reason this is an important exercise, oceangrl, is that when we get BD'd we tend to suddenly think that our S was the most incredible person on the planet and that we could never ever live without them. I was the same way. After my BD suddenly I thought my W was the greatest woman ever. I would extol her virtues to anyone that would listen. The truth was that leading up to BD I was as unhappy, if not more so, than she was. When we get hit with the potential end of our MR, and all that entails (separation from their family, having to coparent, attending activities in our kids lives in the future with them there (and a potential OP), etc) then we start romanticizing how great our S and our MR was. Sometimes doing an exercise like this shows us that maybe they aren't as great as we've trumped them up to be in our imagination.

Keep posting ocean! We are here to help you and support you!

Totally see your point. I listed "tries" because it is finally a priority for him. Although with the last one, I fully agree that it's hard to reconcile being right with God when not being right with your marriage and family as a priority. I listed it as a priority because he is in the process of getting his values back on track. However that lining up with the way he is treating me is a glaring point.

His habit of needing me to be the one with the most problems and the most to change probably keeps him from doing work on himself. He is also a compartmentalizer, so he can keep it all seperate.

I ABSOLUTELY know that I had rose colored glasses on at the beginning of this. He was the perfect guy (gag) and I made excuse after excuse for his behavior. I chased and pursued, begged and pleaded, tried to convince, basically everything you are not supposed to do. The lenses on those glasses have definitely finally cracked with the realities I am seeing. The selfishness, the prioities, etc. I am last on the list. He complains he does not feel connected to me and doesn't feel passionate feelings for me. Well A., I am not an affair and cannot compare with that. B. he is getting out what he has put into this.

At times I feel angry and done with his selfish behavior and think, "fine, go on and get out of here if you are so sure you can do better than me." Then at other times I think 20+ years and three kids, and I believe we could create something joyful.