This is a gift #2

[may22]

Hi U,

Reading through this (and I haven't read your entire thread but will do so) I will tell you that my impression is that she is emotionally abusing you. This is gaslighting and trying to make you think there is something wrong with you. It is NOT OK. No one deserves to be treated like this. I absolutely believe that you are doing the right thing in no longer participating in her toxic and unhealthy narrative. If she were a physical abuser, would earning her trust be a worthy goal? After reading through these last few posts, I don't think it is possible for you to earn her trust at this point anyway. She'll just keep moving the goalposts. The part about she's doing you a favor by not moving away with the kids and by telling you what is wrong with you in MC just kills me. That is wrong, wrong, wrong.

She's either trying to control you, there's something more to your past behaviour you have not disclosed (I don't think that's the case) or she's genuinely struggling with an anxiety problem and the difficulty of realising she isn't ever going to be in total control of ever aspect of her children's lives. Either way, the most loving thing you can do for your kids - and I believe for your wife - is not to enable that irrationality.

I think Alison has a couple of really good points here I want to reinforce. One, even though I know my H is a great dad and I trust the kids with him 100 percent, I struggle with the thought of not having the same level of input and control that I do today (and frankly, I think this will bother him too). For someone who is a SAHM and might have had a lot of control over all these aspects of the household and the children, this has got to be terrifying (and probably part of the reason she made you be the one to move out, and is hanging on so dearly to this notion that you are somehow untrustworthy because that is the only way she gets to keep that level of control over their lives in a D situation). I also agree that you simply can't enable that anymore by validating or participating in any way.

Take it this way - from a mother who had absorbed more verbal abuse and toxic, emotionally dysregulated behaviour from a man than was sane or reasonable on my part (and that's on me) if this woman - a mother - truly and honestly believed you were a physical risk to your children you wouldn't be having them at all. No sense of wanting to be kind would let any sane mother put her children in danger.

Yes. 100%.

Your kids won't be scarred for life. You have really done so much to reassure me that the S is leading you to be a better, more present, and more intentional father. You can continue to do what you do and be the loving, rational parent. You never need to let them hear you say anything negative about your mom and you can be there for them to ask questions and know you love them unconditionally. If it gets bad, you could always have them see a therapist now so that they have the tools to deal with this situation. But you packing up your bags to make it "easier" on them? Play that out a little bit to their 20s and their narrative will be that their dad abandoned them and they'll have a whole 'nother set of issues to deal with.

You deserve to be in their lives and they deserve to have you. They NEED you. Especially if she's in such a messed up place. Don't let your W fool you into thinking that the D will be so bad that you should capitulate.

Your plan-- going dark, GAL, moving forward with the mediation process to resolve the financial and custody issues-- seems to be the right one. I can't remember, are you in IC?

You are a good person and a great dad. Don't forget that. You're doing the right thing for them.