what DB approaches are right for me?

[oceangrl]

It amazes me how many stories we see like this where a WAS has gone out and had an affair and then blames the LBS for it. Like it was completely beyond their control. First of all I hope you really see this for what it is. Your H is a selfish, lying cheater who refuses to take responsibility for his actions. Does that sound harsh? Well it should, because regardless of who you thought you were married to before you are now married to a lying cheater who you cannot trust. And your actions need to reflect that.

In my journal I have written harsh statements like that, so that when I am feeling pathetic and lousy and needy I can read that and get my spine back and my brain back on track. As mean as it may seem, I need that slap of reality so I don't believe the crappy things he's said to me about it being my fault. If you read the book, "Not Just Friends," by Dr. Shirley Glass, she explains the reasons why cheaters do this. They all need a story.

My H has many good qualities, but empathy and compassion are not two of them.

Interesting you mention that in particular. Do you think he's a narcissist?

I think he became one during the affair. His absolute worst qualities came out. I think he is better than he was. He is able to be compassionate to our kids, but its very difficult for him to be compassionate towards me. Perhaps in his mind I represent all his mistakes.

Like Steve said, it doesn't sound like you've been doing any DB'ing so far. All the pursuit and such needs to stop. You need to give him time and space and focus on you and the kids.

You are right. Ugh, it's so embarrassingly needy but the hardest thing to do. But detachment is my number one goal. And GAL. I have been happy with the crumbs he tosses out to me, and I don't want to be that pathetic creature anymore.