"Walking out of the Valley" 2.0

[hoosjim]

ALLOW HER!!!! Listening to her talk about her day isn't a bad thing, it's a great moment to validate her feelings. But what you don't tolerate is her telling you about OM and their R. Her placing blame on you.

If you and her are in the kitchen together and she says, "Guess what happen today, I slipped and fell and hurt my butt" you can listen to that. You can validate that. "Oh, I sorry to hear you fell down, are you ok?". If she says, "Sandra said Mary was talking about Betsy, and she said Betsy eat paint". You can listen to that. But, if she says, " My day has been horrible, people are talking about me, and the OM". Cut bait and walk away. If she says, "I was having a hard day, the OM hasn't called me all day". Cut bait and walk away.

If she says, "I wish things were better in our M, if you would of did". In this scenario you can do one of two things IMO. You can validate, by saying, "I can see how you feel that way, but it takes two for the downfall of a M". If she gets defensive, you can say, "I respect the way you feel, and you need to respect the way I feel". If she continues with the blame. Cut bait and walk away. OR, you can just walk away when the blaming start.

I like the first option, because, It places a small nugget in her head, and shows her you are willing to stand up for yourself and not accept all the fault.

Joejoe

P, joejoe's take, above, is a pretty good one and aptly describes how the dynamic should look... you would generally only cut off or refuse to talk about disrespectful or affair-related topics...unless you are at a place where you are going completely dark. Only you can decide if you are in that latter place or not, though it seems to me you are at least close and i tend to think you are probably in that place (going dark) where you need to be "done" with her unless she ends the A and shows some legitimate sincere remorse. Review Sandi2's threads and the DB-ing books on Last Resort, etc. Even if you ARE in that latter place, however, it does not mean you need to be a jerk or, in fact, even confrontational. For instance, she knows she is an adulteress... why throw that dart out there? All you need to do is to cut off the conversation as suggested in several of the posts above by me and others. Calling her adulteress is engaging with her, letting her bait you (and disrespect you). Next time, just calmly but firmly excuse yourself from the convo. Stay above the fray.

Let me ask you a question-- do you journal at all? I found journalling to be extremely helpful in my own sitch. It allows you to reflect on your progress, as well as on interactions with your W when they happen, and also to gauge what is and is not "working" both in terms of your own confidence and feeling good about yourself and, if it gets to that point, in terms of your W's positive and negative responses to you. Give it a try-- I did it daily. It helps you to get to the point where you, as Sandi2 says, are "doing what works." You want to do more of what "works" and less of what does not, and one of the best ways to figure that out is by trying different approaches, keeping track and reflecting.

Hope this helps... I think you are getting on the right track!