Emotionally Unavailable

[mtb1981]

if I’m honest with myself, I’m not ready. Which means it will end up being all talk and no action because I won’t go through with it. This stuff is really hard, I know I probably keep asking the same questions but I am really trying to understand.

So, if I don’t start a divorce because I’m not ready, doesn’t that make me a doormat? I’m just waiting it out hoping she comes around and sees how I am changing? I really struggle with this, I really do love her, I see where I was checked out in this marriage and get frustrated with myself. That gives me the power to forgive her if she wanted to come back to the marriage. Then the next minute my thoughts turn around to well if she chose to stray from our marriage and not try to work with me, then I should just end it, especially since she continues to just be with the other man.

Also I’ve been thinking about LRT with respect to detachment and specifically trying to detach to the point where you can respond with love and not anger. I have been thinking more about what Steve said about not even acknowledging messages that don’t require a response. I want to understand, is that because the situation I am in is just beyond even detachment. I am past the point of the 37 rules that are referred here quite often? It just seems so cold to not respond or have such short answers. Please understand I am not disagreeing with the methods, just trying to understand so I can better apply them. Thank you!

Hey, js…

If you're not ready to file for D, then by all means don't. Like Steve said, you'll know when you need to. Right now, I think you best option is to stand and wait. See how things play out for a while. With time you'll know whether or not you're ready to file. Emotions are high right now, Let them cool off...

I also agree with not answering to texts and keeping things short and to the point when you have to reply. This is for 2 reasons. First, it will help with your detachment and keep you from getting caught up in wondering what she is doing and gobbling up any crumbs she throws your way. A lot of times those little "have a fun trip" or "hope you're doing well" texts are temp checks. She's looking for a response from you to see if she still has control. And be ready. When you stop responding to these types of texts, she's going to question why. Again, keep it short and simple. Remember, she fired you as her husband and she isn't your mom, so you don't have to answer to her. Things you do that do not involve her are none of her business. You mentioned earlier that when she sends those little messages, you like hearing from her. If you were truly detached, you wouldn't care if she texted you or not. I know, easier said than done, but it will make sense when you get there...

Second, by not replying to texts it gives her a chance to realize what she's missing. She doesn't want you as a husband and you don't want her as a friend, so what's the point of pleasant chit chat. Right now, you're plan B. She wants you to be waiting for her when things with OM don't work out. She needs to feel like she is losing you. When you stop responding to her, it's going to rattle her cage and she's not going to like it one bit. By all means, be consistent. Once she starts to feel like she's losing you, she's going to throw you some crumbs and temp check. Most LBS's gobble up the crumbs. This lets her know that she still has you on the hook and things go right back to where they were before. Don't fall for it. Make her wonder where you're at, what you're doing, and who you're with. Make her miss you by not being readily available like you were in the past...