She's either trying to control you, there's something more to your past behaviour you have not disclosed (I don't think that's the case) or she's genuinely struggling with an anxiety problem and the difficulty of realising she isn't ever going to be in total control of ever aspect of her children's lives. Either way, the most loving thing you can do for your kids - and I believe for your wife - is not to enable that irrationality.
Hi Alison ~
Thanks for checking in!
I have been keeping communications (as much as possible) strictly business. It's only been a few days, and she seems to get annoyed if I don't respond to a non-urgent question, but I think going as dark as possible right now is best.
I am fairly sure I have disclosed my past behavior before. Lately I am a little more wary about sharing details here as things may turn into a legal situation. So I need to be vague even though I would prefer to let it all out. But I am pretty sure I have laid it all out here in my (very long) thread.
I turn things over and over in my head lately. I know I deserve a massive 2x4 for mind-reading but here goes - I think it would be useful for me to lay this out. Understand that I know the below is highly speculative:
My W thinks I have some sort of an emotional dysregulation issue. She thinks by going to MC she is being kind -- allowing me to hear her feedback and allowing me to continue to have a relationship with the kids when she could have chosen to go to court and moved away to her hometown. The MC was initially convinced, and may still be for all I know. I think she has convinced a lot of people she has told.
My W's background is in the mental health field. Some people in this field have a tendency to diagnose and categorize the people in their lives. I believe she has done this with me. This will likely never change. This is a dangerous dynamic in any relationship ... the thought that one person knows better than the other.
My attempts to earn my W's trust have only reinforced her views. Even my attempts to validate her feelings (but not admit to her truth) have only reinforced her views. Those attempts were a huge mistake. I should have stood up for myself, I should have stopped trying to win her back. Instead, I thought by moving closer to her point of view, listening, validating, etc., would help win her back. But she has treated it as admissions of guilt.
I definitely contributed to the downfall of our MR. When we moved, she was so distant. I remember even before we moved, there were signs of problems. She seemed upset one day and I asked "Are you mad?" and she yelled "F*@K YOU!" back at me (she later said she hated when I "projected" onto her). This was more than two years before we finally separated. It goes back a long way. She was probably depressed, maybe resentful. But I missed her and it felt awful. Sometimes I broke down in front of her. Sometimes she felt smothered. My attempts to reconnect were desperate, and they served to reinforce my W's views that I have an emotional problem. I've talked about my NGS and anxiety, which I have a better handle on these days. They led me down this path of more or less buying in 100% into her truth, while also trying to fix things. It's not her fault, those things are my fault.
So... she thinks she is doing me a favor by NOT L'ing up and filing for D and a move away. She thinks she is being kind. She thinks it is very difficult for her to have these fears about me but still allow me to have the kids 4 days at a time.
Have I been gaslighted? Or do I really have an emotional dysregulation issue? It has messed with my head for a long time. I hold onto certain touch-points that help ground me in reality. For instance, her saying I was "yelling loudly" a few weeks ago when all I said calmly was "I no longer want to discuss this." She mischaracterizes words, events. It gets worse when she is scared.
How do you listen and validate to someone who is sharing feelings that are based on a distorted version of reality (at least how I see it)? What if their feelings may lead to a legally problematic situation? I don't have answers.
I no longer want to play this game with her. I know it's not a game for her, it is life and death. What I mean is, I am not going to participate in her narrative. I am going to keep doing what I am doing, go to IC, read parenting books, GAL, PMA, and remain steadfast in my goals which are to be the best dad I can be for my kids, and also be to be happier, healthier UC. My W's narrative is toxic and unhealthy. The more I try to earn her trust, the more I am saying "Yes, W, your version of the truth is correct, I am truly unsafe with the children, you should be really worried about me." This may mean a legal conclusion where I am put on the stand to testify to events. It may mean getting less custody than I want with the kids. Maybe I don't get joint custody. I don't know. Maybe I go through h3ll the next 2 years dealing with this.
Maybe my kids are scarred for life. That's the one that stings the most. I don't mind going through h3ll, but they don't deserve this. My heart hurts for them. I see how easily I could pack up my bags and just let my W have her way and probably make it "easier" on the kids. That pressure is also hanging in the air.
I can't really explain how much of a mind-screw this situation is for me.
