Well P in your defense it's very confusing because there is so many different pieces of advice you are getting on the board.
When one does encounter apparently conflicting or disparate views on these boards, I always found that it was helpful to 1) Look more closely for common threads/aspects or underlying themes 2) Where possible, compare a posters sitch with your own to see how similar or different they are and 3) Test the advice against the DB-ing principles.
As to actual differing advice on P's thread-- other than you posting that you think he ought to file for D right now, and me and joejoe saying that an actual D is not necessary, I am seeing a whole lot of commonality of advice here. And even your advice that he should D right now is not really out of line with the general sentiment on here, which is that he definitely needs to separate himself from her, detach, drop the rope, go dark, etc. The only difference is in how precisely we think that should be done, and i would posit there is not even that much difference. I haven't seen anyone on here who has said "fight against a D for all your worth"... in fact, I myself have said he should consult a lawyer to protect himself, and that he should not necessarily fight a D... just that I don't think that a D is necessary for him to set good boundaries and detach and gain his respect back... let her do the heavy work on that. And that goes doubly if he is at all thinking they might get back together at some point-- make her have to do the work and be the "bad guy" by filing and recognize some of the consequences of her actions. I think MWD and the DB books, as well as Sandi2 are consistent with that course of action. We all believe the same thing: He needs some kind of separation from her-- to drop the rope, detach, go dark, stop playing family with her, regain some respect and move on with his life. The D itself wont necessarily accomplish that in a vacuum--although it certainly could-- it is just a tool, a piece of paper, a possible means to an end we all advocate.
I think for those coming here for help, nearly every poster has something to offer on here if you look closely enough. The differing perspectives are one of the things that actually makes it interesting and valuable-- but, at the end of the day, I think most of the folks on here have pretty much the same views on the fundamentals: Detach, drop the rope, don't take any disrespect, 180, GAL, work on yourself, be strong, be the "lighthouse" (for your kids, and, if you entertain the goal of reconciliation somewhere down the road, for your spouse).
We're all pulling for you, P
I understand what everyone is saying. I am working on going in that direction. I constantly slip up but I also have stood up for myself. I have walked away from conversations. Last night at dinner I politely told her that I didn't care of her opinion of one of my friends and to please not interrupt me while I am telling my son a story when I was trying to make a point to him. (She interrupted and was rude in talking about him) It just takes time but I am slowly getting there. Heck my best friend has been frustrated and disappointed with me also because I have given her all the power. Its going to take time. I think I need to write down every action that I will not tolerate and read them every morning. For Ex: I will not text back. I will not allow her in the MBR I will not allow her to talk about her day. etc............
