My H had an EA and PA with a good friend of mine and his co-worker for two years. I had that BD three years ago. It destroyed me and she and I were close and our families did things together. I felt so dumb not to have seen what was in front of my face. But I trusted them both. He blamed it on me and felt like if I were the wife I should have been he wouldn't have done that.
It amazes me how many stories we see like this where a WAS has gone out and had an affair and then blames the LBS for it. Like it was completely beyond their control. First of all I hope you really see this for what it is. Your H is a selfish, lying cheater who refuses to take responsibility for his actions. Does that sound harsh? Well it should, because regardless of who you thought you were married to before you are now married to a lying cheater who you cannot trust. And your actions need to reflect that.
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We have tried, but it has been mostly me. He tried IC and MC for a short period of time and will not go back. I did IC for a long time which helped me tremendously.
You should discontinue the MC until he shows real interest in it, which is probably way down the road.
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My H has many good qualities, but empathy and compassion are not two of them.
Interesting you mention that in particular. Do you think he's a narcissist?
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I am at the place where I do not know what type of DBing I should do.
Like Steve said, it doesn't sound like you've been doing any DB'ing so far. All the pursuit and such needs to stop. You need to give him time and space and focus on you and the kids.
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We have not brought it up since then, and we do the family thing, and we will go to the movies together and we sleep in the same bed together. But he avoids any sort of date where we could talk. He has erected an emotional wall and will not let me anywhere near it. He will not touch me either, although he will let me rub his back. As many of you can relate, I am so lonely and starving for any kind of affection and touch.
I would suggest trying to build some space between the two of you. Suggest to him that he should sleep elsewhere because you don't feel comfortable around him anymore (but you should stay in the MBR, he should be the one to leave). No more back rubs or any other affection/ attention. That's just cake-eating on his part, and you don't want to encourage that.
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His friends tell him he is an idiot that the grass is not greener out there. But I think he would rather be alone than with me.
You are correct. So give him what he wants. If you can create some space then he may eventually start missing you and realize what he may be losing. But for now he doesn't want you.
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It is so odd because I am younger than the OW, and by his own words far more attractive and have a better body. But it doesn't seem to matter.
It's very common for cheaters to "affair down". It's more about feeling an emotional connection than it is about how pretty they are or how nice their body is.
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Our cheeseless tunnel would be talking. He does not want to talk about anything related to marriage or anything that results in "bad feelings." What do you think would be the best DB approach?
To not bring it up, ever. And if he brings it up then you do two things and two things only- listen and validate.
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I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I texted him that I missed him and wished he were here. He did not text back or address it. My hurt wants to say something to him about how that feels, but I'm pretty sure that would be fruitless.
Yes, completely fruitless. Right now he doesn't care about you, or how you feel. Feelings may eventually return but it'll take a long time.
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I know he is mad because he had meetings in the office with the OW, and he did not let me know ahead of time which is part of the agreement we made. I don't bring her up and I don't bring the subject up, but I do feel it's important for me to advocate for myself in this area.
Boundaries are worthless without enforcement. So you made a boundary with him that he can't see OW without letting you know, and he did anyway. So now what? Now he thinks your boundaries are a joke, and that he can trample on them whenever he wants. Don't set boundaries unless you are prepared to enforce them.
