[SteveLW]

I have read the five love languages and I have been living that to a T for a long time with little result in my opinion. She also read it and knows that Physical Touch is my language and puts forth Zero effort – which I guess is to be expected, though that doesn’t make it right.

Scott, the more you share the more your sitch sounds so much like mine! Same here. Our MC had us both read it and do the assessment. Mine: Physical Touch. Hers: Words of affirmation.

I was looking for subtle ways to give her words of affirmation. She did nothing to try to fill my love tank with physical touch. None.

One complicating factor in my marriage that I had to get used to is her medications. She is on two antidepressants and it has really changed how she emotes. She is much more closed off emotionally than she was prior. Even now I have to initiate most physical touch, but reading NMMNG taught me to be the alpha, the lead on that, and when I need to go get it. Rather than secretly expect her to know when my need is there and wait for her to act.

I would not give up on the touching just yet. I believe that in our situations touch charges can work to warm up the obstinate wife. Just be subtle, don't over use them, and be consistent and patient with it.

I'd also suggest you look up talk charges. One of the things my Nice Guy tendencies has me do passive-aggressively was to cut her off verbally. She wasn't the first person I called or contacted about good news. Or when I needed to share some news that required support. That was a BAD dynamic in my relationship that I fixed in my self-improvement activities during my sitch. Talk charges were a huge part of those.

If she moves back to being more of a WAS, I would be careful with all of this advice. And other LBSs reading this should not think that things like touch and talk charges can work in their sitches when a spouse is full-on walkaway.