what DB approaches are right for me?

[SteveLW]

Welcome and sorry you are here.

First, where is ANY DBing activity in what you just wrote? I see none.

I see pressure and pursuit. I see neediness. I see R talks. I see the desire to talk about your feelings. ALL of that are cheeseless tunnels.

First, a little exercise. You mention he has "lots of great qualities"......awesome. Can you list those out for us? Just do a brain dump of all of these awesome qualities he supposedly has.

As far as DB activities that are right for you? ALL OF THEM.

First, I see nothing in your OP about GAL. I would love to hear about what things you are doing that doesn't include him. Girls night out. Taking the kids to a movie. Etc. You absolutely need to recapture the things that were in your life that made you you when you met him. We often times give up all of our individual activities when we get married and settle in, and then we are no longer the same person. You need recapture that magic that was oceangrl with one HUGE caveat: you do that for yourself, not for him!! (This will be a theme.)

Next, you are in IC! Great. Continue to self-improve, 180 on any bad behaviors (obsessing over OW to start), and become the best oceangrl that you can be! Again, this is FOR YOU, not for him. Become the awesome person that you know you can be. Self-improvement activities are great because they make you feel better about yourself. Self-esteem will go a long way towards making you awesome. And it will make you realize that he doesn't really deserve you and that HE has work to do to GET you back!

Finally, detach. This is a process. This is something that you have to continually work on. Detachment is one of the most misunderstood parts of DBing. It is not being rude, passive-aggressive, or ignoring. It is being emotional even. Not reacting to his craziness. Not melting down the next time he brings up D. You handled it pretty well before, and I agree with your stance on it. But this:

"He does not want to talk about anything related to marriage or anything that results in "bad feelings.""

Honor that! IN fact, the #1 rule of DBing is NO R TALKS. Never initiate a R talk. If he does...listen and validate. Study the validation thread here. Make sure you know how to use validating statements. Do not get into a back-and-forth. Do not disagree with him. Validation is neither agreeing or disagreeing with what he says, it is understanding what he is saying and the feelings he is expressing.

Oceangrl, you have a main goal: you need to remove all pressure and pursuit. Stop the back rubs. Back off and let him come to you! WASs are like cats. If you move towards them they will run. But if you back off, give them space, they will eventually come around out of curiosity. STudy the pursuit-distance dynamic. Then back off and give him the time and space he has requested.

As far as what he said at Thanksgiving about D. Remember, words are words. Actions are actions. This is important for your DBing efforts (do it don't say it!) and it applies to the WAS too. They will say a lot of things. We have a rule around here: "Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do!"

As far as the future, you said you are confused. We have another saying around here: "When they want to come back you will know. We they don't, you will be confused."

So GAL. 180. Detach. Give him time and space by removing all pressure and pursuit. Focus on you and your kids. Leave him alone to figure out his own stuff.