what DB approaches are right for me?

[oceangrl]

Hi,

I am new here, but grateful for a place to go. I've been married to my H for 24 years in May. We have three children together. We make a good family. But our marriage....I don't know what to do anymore. My H had an EA and PA with a good friend of mine and his co-worker for two years. I had that BD three years ago. It destroyed me and she and I were close and our families did things together. I felt so dumb not to have seen what was in front of my face. But I trusted them both. He blamed it on me and felt like if I were the wife I should have been he wouldn't have done that. He told me she was his best friend and so much more. She is married and has said she and her H healed their M. I did not discover a program like DB until at least a year out. We have tried, but it has been mostly me. He tried IC and MC for a short period of time and will not go back. I did IC for a long time which helped me tremendously.

He works every other week out of state in the office, and the other week remotely with us. He and the OW still work together in the same company, but not together anymore. We have agreements and boundaries, but he doesn't like to talk about it. If he could forget it all and heal me with a magic wand and it is never brought up again, that would be his ideal. I have come a long, long way. I am really proud of my progress. But I am not where I want to be yet. I have basically done it on my own. My H has many good qualities, but empathy and compassion are not two of them.

I am at the place where I do not know what type of DBing I should do. I am at a loss. He told me the week of Thanksgiving he felt we should get a D. He said that he doesn't feel connected to me, that he is not happy and he feels I am not happy. He feels he made the effort and there is no point. I am so sad. I told him he would have to do the D, I would not fight him but it's against my value system to contribute. I am heartbroken. I am just in shock that this is where my life is.

We have not brought it up since then, and we do the family thing, and we will go to the movies together and we sleep in the same bed together. But he avoids any sort of date where we could talk. He has erected an emotional wall and will not let me anywhere near it. He will not touch me either, although he will let me rub his back. As many of you can relate, I am so lonely and starving for any kind of affection and touch.

His friends tell him he is an idiot that the grass is not greener out there. But I think he would rather be alone than with me. They tell him I am great, which makes him angry. It is so odd because I am younger than the OW, and by his own words far more attractive and have a better body. But it doesn't seem to matter.

Our cheeseless tunnel would be talking. He does not want to talk about anything related to marriage or anything that results in "bad feelings." What do you think would be the best DB approach? I feel so confused I don't know which way is up or down, and I am afraid to make a mistake. I had a therapist that encouraged me to be vulnerable. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I texted him that I missed him and wished he were here. He did not text back or address it. My hurt wants to say something to him about how that feels, but I'm pretty sure that would be fruitless.

I know he is mad because he had meetings in the office with the OW, and he did not let me know ahead of time which is part of the agreement we made. I don't bring her up and I don't bring the subject up, but I do feel it's important for me to advocate for myself in this area.

Okay...sorry for the verbal vomit. I will appreciate any advice you might have. I am in need of hope.