"Walking out of the Valley" 2.0

[hoosjim]

This really scares me as I plan on having him with me the next 4 years and being able to coach him and spend a lot of time with him. In reading, “Love must be tough”, Dobson cites several situations where the kids end up resenting and not respecting the spouse that put up with the affair. In some instances they blamed the betrayed spouse due to not taking action.

Sandi2 has not chimed in here in a while, but i do remember posting something on just this point on my own thread. She noted that she had seen a couple of instances just like Dotson cited... where the H had either not stood up to the WW or where the H had covered for the W and hid the truth during the divorce... leading to the children, when grown, resenting the father and having a strained, damaged relationship with him.

I wish I or someone had seen this before you agreed to let her come with you.. because she shouldn't have come. It really $uck$, but you need to be strong here... take some pain and discomfort now for the good of the kids down the road. Your W is the adulteress here... no matter how culpable you both were in getting the MR to this point, SHE is the one who actually stepped out, committed that very serious betrayal against both you AND your sons and effectively ended the MR. To show the strength you need to show your boys, and to show your W she cant guilt you or pressure you and to hopefully get back some respect, you DO NOT "play family" with her. She wants to sleep with other men? She wants a divorce? Then fine... splitting the kids and missing out on fun/warm/cozy family events and dinners, and possibly having them think less of her are part and parcel of that-- those are the natural consequence of her actions. She or her family wants to know why? You tell them just that! The boys want to know why? You tell them Mom has met someone else and has decided she would rather be with him than stay with the family... Even though you don't go out of the way to trash your W to your sons, or to provide all the gory details, you also don't go out of the way to hide the truth from them either-- they will resent you for it later.

I remember very well my WW and I having a discussion related to those very points, when she was in the throws of the affair and still plotting and anticipating her escape with OM. The subject turned to our children and what we would tell them. I indicated that I was not going to lie to our boys (then 16 and almost 18). She said "Well, why wouldn't you just want everyone to be happy?!" To which i replied "So you expect them to be happy that their family is being broken up?" She also said, somewhat smugly; "Well, if that's the case, then we'll just have to tell them the whole truth, about both sides." (Meaning including about my "neglect" of her-- to which i had of course somewhat tearfully "owned" and apologized for just a few weeks prior). Thankfully, by then i had "gotten my sea-legs" and was standing on firmer, DB-based ground and was regularly on these boards getting reams of good advice from Sandi2 and artista and others. I looked her dead in the eye and said, completely calmly and flatly: "I have absolutely no problem with that. Lets bring them in and tell them everything!" And that's the last we ever heard of THAT nonsense! To think that I would have any problem owning up to my side of the road, or that i would be afraid of revealing that information, compared to the infidelity that she had committed. Simply no comparison! But that is the fantasy world in which WWs live! My boys, as yours are, are old enough to know the truth, and old enough to know right from wrong. If you buckle in the face of your wife's wrongdoing, they WILL remember it.

In sum: Dont let her or her family "guilt" you into playing family! And don't hide the truth from your boys or cover for your WW!

Infidelity/adultery is deception and betrayal and pain and broken homes/families... THAT is the reality. And she needs a great big dose of it. Your kids will pull through it just fine... as long as you are the strong, decisive, calm, confident man, father and role model you need to be for them.

Best of luck, as always, P. My thoughts and prayers are with you.