Cross countries separation EU

[Pack_19]

hi Sandi,

Thanks a lot for the long reply. You are absolutely right, you are the only people who truly understand my situation and I have not done a good job listening to you. At the beginning I was always thinking of my W as the loving W I neglected. I have this strong conviction that she still loves me and this is what has driven me in many occasions to ask for a walk, or a coffee. How stupid I have been.

When I talk to her I try to listen and validate her feelings. Sometimes my voice catches a sad tone and she is quick to remind me how unattractive that is to her so I force myself to be calm and speak with strength. I never shout or interrupt her but she still saying things that I try to filter as hard as I can but sometimes still get me. Just the other day she said I was to blame for all that has happened (again) and that our family was broken forever. When I am alone at home I think, talking to her, even for validation, is a torture, why dont I just avoid it and give her more time?

At some point in my life I was very attractive, I have always been very good at uni/work, I love sports, I am a chatbox and I love going out and dancing. I look at myself in the mirror and I think, how can I get clingy and begging when I am in front of her? why do I allow her to tell me that she is sad for me but sure she has no feelings?

I will say this with my hurt, I do not try to use my children I just thought if there is a path to R is going to be through family activities and because of that I have put pressure on her with such plans. Again, mistake after mistake.

Just yesterday to finish what I thought was a great conversation by email she reminded me how on the 4th of Feb we are supposed to confirm the separation agreement in front of the judge. I calmly answered, "thanks for reminding me W, I wish you a nice day". She always brings that statement or attitude that reads "our marriage is dead" in big capital letters.

I guess I owe you (specially Sandi, Steve and FS) a big apology. You are the biggest help I have on times when my environment only tells me to move on and acknowledge a woman who has made this decision will firmly stick to it, and I have not listened to you as I should have. As I said on my last post, I am reading DR for the 3rd time, but this time I am making the concepts mine, for the better.

I know my 180 is going to be showing a happy and polite person when I exchange the kids AND being the first one to say goodbye. I want to ask, since I read yesterday about being surprising. What else can I do to catch her by surprise? what does she not expect? Would it be fine to make an innocent joke about her?

I have not listened to her because I was scared, I was scared to lose her, to end up in D, to bear the pain of seeing her with someone else, to miss the childhood of our baby. I never stopped to say, hey, remember that charming man you have always been? bring him back and be the greener grass. When my W said, I do not want to talk to you, I heard our marriage is over and my instinct was to act as if replying "no, not until I decide it is". I can only give her the best incentive to come back and I know that is only going to happen if I truly listen to her and you all.

Since this nightmare began, it has been 3 entire days now that I do not write to her. I never spy on her newly created IG with a new username and I have made a strong decision to not suggest more family plans as in I will be in the park feel free to join. I was reading the chapter about cheese-less tunnels and thinking, my God, this is so me.

I wish my W knew I now have a lot of new tools I am learning from you, I wish she knew I know R is slow, hard and only towards MR 2.0 but it is not my job to tell her. Let's hope one day she will see it. Please keep posting here, you guys are my oxygen. I will do the same, I am taking stage now and I need to monitor if my 180 works. If it doesnt, I will need help with new ideas!

thanks a lot! Paco